THE MORAL DILEMMA: GREY SHADES OF LOVE

…Because everything isn’t so black and white

There is an analogy that says “love is 90% pain and 10% joy. But when with the right person that 10% can make you the happiest person alive. Well that was the case with Faye; a young woman in her late 20’s who’s steadily inching towards the big 3-0 which puts her in a tight spot. She met Abdul 6 months ago at a business lunch organized by her office and he was there as a business analyst. Though from two very different cultural backgrounds, they hit it off well.

They talked about everything and nothing. They were close friends, though with a hint of chemistry all embedded in flirtatious innuendos. Abdul is tall, light skinned and in her words “He is my perfect spec, too bad we’re just friends. Though if I ever needed one, he will be a very welcomed distraction”

Abdul seemed honest. He told her about his estranged wife Fatima with whom they have an adorable - though sickly 7 year old daughter, but are now separated while they work out the legality of a divorce. Their union had been prearranged by his family and had gotten married very young without knowing what they wanted. They are both from influential families and the union was more about a political merger, so the sure and impending divorce would break his Parent’s hearts. But he was sure that’s what he had to do because he was really unhappy in the marriage.
 
At that time, Faye only saw him as a friend so she tried her best to be there for him at such a difficult time. She assisted in preparing him food every now and then as a proper Yoruba girl. When he was in a really low mood she would take a bottle of wine over and hold hands with him while he emptied his sorrows to her. It was during one of such comfort therapy sessions that Abdul leaned in and kissed her. Faye later disclosed that she knew she should have resisted, but at that time she had begun to feel really close to him and felt it wasn’t such a terrible thing, after all she was only offering him some comfort. 

However in the weeks that followed, they became inseparable. They spent their free time together, either at his favorite hangout spot or indoors watching movies. That was when Faye began to feel something more for Abdul. She found herself thinking about him at odd times and how his text messages immediately warmed her heart. She knew she had it bad, but she was unable to stop the feeling.

Just then Abdul began to say those sweet things that only men know how to. Words like “you make me so happy. I really do like you and I wish we could spend every moment of every day together”. And as a soft and loving girl, Faye began to fall harder. She spent all her weekends with him and they planned amazing trips. Here was the problem though, at certain times she felt guilty. He wasn’t officially divorced from his wife so she was a side chick. As much as she tries to convince herself otherwise, the creeping suspicion returns. What if this separation is only temporal and he goes back to Fatima? Or worst case scenario, what if the story of the separation was all a lie? But then again she asks herself “what reason would he have to lie to me?” and she would push the thought far from her mind.

One late Saturday evening, Faye lounged at her's and Abdul’s favorite restaurant. She had been contemplating how best to break a sweet news that had been bubbling inside her since yesterday. She had visited her Ob/Gyn and was informed she was 4 weeks pregnant. She guessed Abdul would be pleased because he had always said how he loved and wanted more children. Especially one who wasn’t sickle celled anemic, like his daughter. Just then his phone rang rousing her from her reverie. He had gone to the gents and since the shrill of the phone was beginning to attract the raised eyebrows of other diners she picked up the cell phone. Without paying much attention to the caller ID, she hit the answer button only at the last minute to see it had Fatima’s name. Immediately she put the phone to her ear, Fatima’s voice purred through “Hello baby, sorry to disturb you, I know you said you will be at meetings throughout the day but very quickly, What time do you want me to pick you up from the airport?”

Faye immediately hung up the call and dropped the phone in her lap like it was scalding hot. Which in honesty she had been burnt, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. Her heart sank and she could feel it breaking, it was almost palpable. “Baby”? So they weren’t estranged as he claimed? He’s been lying all this while, living a double life! Just then Abdul surfaced, walking towards her in that slow confident gait of his. She got up, picked up her bag and stormed out of the restaurant. She had no idea where she was walking to but she knew she had to get out of there. 

After days of crying and wallowing in a pity party and calling herself every harsh name available on the surface of the Earth she was faced with the ultimate moral dilemma. Of course she knew that carrying on with a married man was wrong, but what she knew better was that she couldn’t keep such a man’s child. He was a liar and a cheat and doing so would only keep her glued to him forever and she would never be free. 

Deep was her contemplation, should she choose to terminate it and run like a bat out of hell? Or, should she keep it, after all it was a part of both herself and the Abdul she had fallen in love with. But bearing in mind that its very existence may bring back the hurting and the inevitable pain of such an epic fail, could she bear to do it?

DISCLAIMER

Names and references in this piece are all fictional and if it bears any resemblance to anyone or circumstance, it is pure coincidence. I want to firmly state that my writings (and short stories such as this) are works of fiction and through them I let my imagination run wild while also attempting to share the experiences of people who cannot themselves express their thoughts and feelings.

Feel free to drop your comments.

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THE DEATH OF CHIVALRY

On a rainy Saturday evening, I sat on a high top stool, my feet dangling, and my elbows resting on the bar slab with my fingers laced through each other. My purse placed on the counter, my gaze fixed ahead, on an invisible spot and I believe I would have won the “World’s Most Bored Person’s” look. I was supposed to be on a date with this chap I had met once. I had been postponing the meeting for so long that I finally gave in to having a drink with him so I don’t come off as snooty. I really should have cancelled because of the bad weather but since I had agreed to it the day before I decided to go ahead with it. In retrospect, I wish I knew beforehand that it would be a downer double for me (-a rainy day and the worse date ever).

Though he was to pick me up, I suggested I should find my way there. That being my number 1 get-out plan (so if I find the date horrible, I could easily slip away and head for the nearest exit). Upon my arrival, Mr. new guy wasn’t there. He was 30 minutes late even though he assured me he was already in the neighborhood. On arrival, he offered his apologies sparingly which I accepted nonplussed. 

When the waiter arrived, he took the obsolete chauvinist stance with me, going ahead to make my order for me without asking me what I wanted. Domineering the conversation, having a few too many drinks and becoming touchy-feely. Soon, all he wanted to know (all be it thinly veiled) was where I worked, where my family was, how attractive my take home package was and if I took vacations abroad. And at the end he asked if I could go Dutch and pay a part of the meal. Why I sat through that dinner, I sometimes slap myself over, but at least it inspired this piece.

Men nowadays have lost almost if not all the chivalry that guided men growing up in the 50s. Some of us remember having fathers who opened doors for women to walk through, spoke pleasantly to all female acquaintances without sexual overtones. Men who provided for their families and when they weren’t able to they never commandeered the resources of their wives. Men who picked up the bills. 

Today, many young men are eager to find a financially suitable wife who will provide for them and/or complement to their lifestyle, forgetting it is ordained that they be providers for their family. Many women are major sources of income in their families, yet, they still happily carry out the function of home management.

And many young boys are quick to castigate a young woman who dates an older guy, forgetting that a psychologically mature woman is naturally only drawn to a similarly mature man. Take for instance, a woman who holds a 12 hour per day job, do you honestly expect her to be drawn to a superficial man who probably still sags his trouser and whines about how a friend of his borrowed his Timberland boots and refuses to return it? 

 Men are quick to dust out old antics by saying a man Is naturally the hunter yet they do not practically provide for their woman, they don’t encourage her in her academic or career pursuits. They find her intimidating if she dares to have an opinion on how she wants certain things done. Calling her obstinate, stubborn, and rude because she doesn’t kiss the floor you walk on. C’mon, she’s your partner not your maid.

Men are quick to judge young women they date with the standards of their mothers which isn’t all bad, after all they say, ‘a man marries his mother’. However, they fail to exemplify the chivalry that undoubtedly endeared their fathers to their mothers. After all, the ye ol’ tradition is for men to love their wives, and their wife should submit to them. That is the instruction. There is a precondition for your woman submitting to you, you must love her and wife her. And remember "it isn't love that doesn't show/express". Love her first and love her right, then her submission will come naturally without you even requesting for it.

 There’s something men are missing, you can’t eat your cake and have it. If you want your wife to contribute to your lifestyle (financially, socially) you must be able to equally happily accept that she may be opinionated. If however, servitude is what appeals to you, by all means pursue a woman who sees you as her god. But do well to remember that women are the corniest people you in the world. A woman could pretend for years (without you having the slightest clue) to be the servile woman you want, but by and by her real color must unravel. 

So wouldn’t you want a smart woman who knows what she wants, yet when she chooses to be with you she does that wholly? Do not be the laughing stock of the society when you finally marry the “perfect docile, long skirt wearing, scarf tying wife” only to find out after the wedding that she is a just a call girl on sabbatical cum a junkie (as is the case with a judgmental young man I know).

DISCLAIMER….. I saved this for last for a reason

As i usually say, i do not claim to know anything more than everyone, but what little i have experienced, i share, first to entertain and maybe who knows, to enlighten also. 

This piece does not in any way seek to view men as villains, nor to absolve women of blame. If anything, we women are just as guilty. A guy once confided in me that though he tries to be a gentleman towards all women, it is difficult to do so, as most of the women he meets are superficial. They believe because “They Are Woman” a man’s existence is only to provide for them. Put them up on a golden pedestal, polish and worship them and then still grovel at their feet. If you are one of such delusional women, well I just don’t know what to say to you, but please dust the scales from your eyes. It is a man’s world, and they have made it clear time and time again, they are never going to relinquish their post to us. So submit to your own husband!

***Just as this article bears no name or inference to anyone, I regret in advance anyone who feels it is directed at them or feels insulted by this, for it is pure coincidence. To reiterate, I am no ‘feminist’ (you know, the widely derogative term the media now uses to refer to the new generation woman who hates men), but I advocate for the respect and valuing of women in every society. 

 ‘nough said, I take my bow…

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MARRY FOR LOVE OR FOR MONEY?

Dare I say; why not both?

People are quick to judge a woman who marries above her class. Gold digger she’s called. When she marries below her class, she’ll be called ‘mumu’. A man marries a richer woman who most likely may be older, he is termed a gigolo, ‘woman wrapper’ and worst when addressed in Hausa Language it’s “Mijin hajiya” which in direct translation means a Vegetable, -the husband of a madam. Or a rich guy/girl who only seeks out similarly rich girls/men to date/marry, people will call them haughty and vain. Seldom will you hear anyone speculate about the possibility of love in the mix. Well, why does anyone have to choose? Who said you cannot have the best of both worlds? Hannah Montana certainly did… (LMAO)

I was having a discussion with a friend who recently broke up with her longtime boyfriend. She was distraught, first, because she thought that relationship would lead to marriage and second because she felt she had invested too many resources in such a fruitless endeavor. Though he had no money at the present she was patient with him in the hopes that in future when God blesses him he will take care of her also. But this is not to be as he found someone else to leech on. Quite bitter, she told me that she doesn’t think she can be that selfless again in future relationships and will only now consider someone who comes with a lot of money.

It was funny, and I’m certain she expected me (being a voice of reason) to chide her, however I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I knew she had lost a lot both materially and psychologically so she needed something to help her recoup. But a major reason for siding with her analogy is because I too, had really begun to consider that and who am I to chastise her for her line of thought?

Marrying for both Love and money is probably the best reason for anyone getting hitched. Notice I highlighted the word Love right? Well that is to enunciate that love is obviously the ultimate and material comfort it’s penultimate. Here are a few reasons I believe it is not a bad thing to aspire towards marrying for financial gain.

1.      Climb in your career.

How many lowly born men and women do you see being renowned in their careers today? A man will painstakingly strive to excel at his field of interest but if the father doesn’t have money, or at least have a solid family name, success is still afar off.  In fact, many self-made women who by divine providence have managed to attain some success in their careers are quickly tagged “runs girls” because they dared to aspire more than their lowly upbringing. So, when you find a potentially rich spouse who can assist in hoisting your career up, why not go for it? Even if you are tagged a gold-digger, at least its only one Well you are digging from, and it is a less derogatory title than being called “runs girl/gigolo”. LOL     

2.      Companionship with comfort.

Companionship is essential in a marriage. Someone you can talk with every day and always without tiring of him or her. While that is quite hard to achieve if you have to see the same face for the rest of your life, wouldn’t it be good to be able to afford to enjoy those days when boredom comes knocking in comfort? On such days you can take a leisurely stroll around the garden of the mansion you live in, or soak in a tub or throw a party like Gatsby. *Hehehe*

3. Absolve one’s self from guilt.

This comes in the case of a rich/non-rich union, where one spouse is much richer than the other. There may be some guilt that will spring up when the richer one wants to spend a lot of money to get an expensive personal item. For instance, if a pair of shoe tickles your fancy and it costs more than the income of your partner, you will definitely feel guilty about purchasing it even if it’s well within your ability. To avoid such, it is easy to see why such a person will seek out a potential spouse within the same financial level.

4.      Ease of travel.

To fight boredom, redundancy, and to take a break from the usual routine, holiday getaways are good to boost your romance and ultimately make stronger your love. Wouldn’t it be so nice if all you needed to go shopping in Paris or Vienna is your handbag? If you could travel anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice?! 

Also, if you aren’t so wealthy, this is also beneficial for you. For instance, going on trips as a couple truly helps you save cost than if you had to go alone. It is like getting the value for two at the cost of one. It is so much more fun going to different countries or towns as a couple, you are also treated with more courtesy and respect than if you go alone. Hoteliers may be happy to boost your accommodation from basement lodgings to the honeymoon suite when they see it is the Mr. and Mrs. *winks*

5.      Social reputation.

If your aspiration is to move in the circle of the crème de la crème, well who says you shouldn’t marry up if that will help get you that? Is it wrong to want something? Some people want luxury cars and no one castigates them for wanting that. Some want to be in the Guinness World Book of record and that’s fine and dandy, so why should you be worried over being ridiculed and referred to in pejorative terms just for wanting to roll with the big boys and girls *askor*.

6.      Financial Stability.

Some people just cannot do broke. They are psychologically, biologically, socially, culturally wired and fashioned to not accept anything less than what they want. It’s been drummed into their heads from infancy that they aren’t allowed to follow nor consider marrying someone of a lesser financial status. 

Like a childhood boyfriend of mine, many years ago, whose uncle had in no unclear terms stated that he wasn’t to date any girl who didn’t live in the posh areas of Abuja. He was only to consider asking a girl out who lives in areas such as the Minister’s Hill, Aso-Villa, Legislative quarters and the likes. I was incensed when he told me, ‘cause that meant, he dating me was kinda like slumming! However, now, I think I understand where his uncle was coming from. It could have been that since he had hustled for all that he's got, he didn't want his nephew to be with someone who was only going to milk him dry.

  

Drawing the curtain…

It is true when they say money doesn’t buy you love or happiness, but I say, sometimes just love isn’t enough to keep you when there is crisis. Therefore it is better to cry in a chauffeured Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.  

So, insofar as you are sure you can cope with the rules/guidelines of engagement expected for marrying and staying married with someone of much higher social strata, Knock yourself out, love. 

Whatever your inclination and perception, (to marry for love, money or both) it is important that we make the decision ourselves so that whatever may be the consequences of our decision, we only have ourselves to question, forgive and then start moving on as we learn.                                                                            

My candid advice though is that if you are leaning towards choosing money, you should try as much as possible to bring into the marriage something valuable also. If your spouse is the money bag, please ensure you come with your Ghana Must Go Bag of experience, filled with street smarts, investment knowledge, home making skills, etc. Please do not come empty handed, or you might be forced to leave the way you came in…

Please share your opinions on this.

#OkBye!

                                                                                             

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