MUSINGS……. THE MATTER OF CHOOSING A FUTURE PARTNER

DISCLAIMER

Well, you know me well by now, I am a stickler for professionalism (not bragging). I therefore want to use this opportunity to denounce any direct or indirect resemblance this blog post may have to any individual, situation or place. It is purely coincidental and its intent is not to cause spite or any such ill feeling. So, take a chill pill...LOL

THE MATTER OF CHOOSING A FUTURE PARTNER

The matter of choosing a future partner is very important. I learn that while some people just seem to keep an open mind on this, others create a couple of hard and fast criteria/features which they want their future partner to possess.

Whether it is best to keep an open mind about it all or whether it is best to have earmarked basis of judgments, I cannot tell you, though I believe whichever one works for you, that you must do. However, this write up is just my usual musing and I’m hoping you can muse along with me, share a laugh or two or maybe proffer your own suggestions.

A week ago I put up this status on a social network “That the genetic outcome of my children is halfway dependent on my choice of partner is a sobering thought on its own” and oh my! did I get a lot of responses. One friend jokingly advised I consider him a good match for myself and another just wanted to understand what my silly head was cooking up again. In his words “LOL @Your status….Are you okay at all?”. And my response was “oh well, you know me, it is just one of my Monday morning musings”. And then he quipped “You never seem to be found wanting in that area”.

That, is very true. I am an over thinker ‘if there is such a word’ (I will have to consult my living + breathing dictionary – Jonah – later). Sometimes I wonder about so many things, some sane and some quite insane. But this matter has long been nagging my consciousness.

This post is on the backdrop of a conversation I had with my uncle many years ago, I think I was still in secondary school. We were talking about marriage and I remember him saying, “Baby, which ever man you think you want to marry in future, be sure to give me a heads up early. Because I intend to put into use his many years of detective work and carry out a comprehensive investigation on the man”. His reason, being that he wants to find out every inch of the guy's background and see whether he has got any skeletons in his cupboard or if his family has a history of Epilepsy, and such. It seemed very funny to me then and I laughed and laughed, however, I am now beginning to see wisdom in the latent meaning of his words.

At the time, I was so in love with the idea of love, I was certain that if I ever met a guy I liked, I would marry him ASAP without any care in the world. I carried that attitude through to the university and then my mindset began a paradigm shift. It started slightly, but before long, I was beginning to question my priorities.

At 17, all I wanted was a big, strong, handsome man to sweep me off my feet. At 20, I was looking for a hardworking man, someone who can provide my basic needs (home and hearth). A couple of years later, I have evolved way past that naive and believing girl I was, who wore her heart on her sleeve. I am now looking at a potential partner as someone who is smart, intelligent, driven, an achiever, comfortable in means, and able to provide for me with much more than just basic needs.

Whether this mindset is dumb or whether is it within sane lines I cannot tell. What worries me though is that in today’s society is it alright for a young girl to aspire for all that? Or should we stick to the simple beginnings our parents had?

Should a young girl have to settle for a simpleton just because she is scared that her heart desire of marrying well is too much to ask for? 

Please share your views and thoughts as best and as concise as you can, bearing in mind that many readers are looking forward to your responses to help them make better decisions in life.


Grazie Amico.

Just for laughs...

Jemimah Nikky Jatau: FELICITATIONS! TWO YEARS OF BLOGGING HISTORY

Jemimah Nikky Jatau: FELICITATIONS! TWO YEARS OF BLOGGING HISTORY: "Enslaved By Our Ethnocentrism"  by BLOGGER.... Prima facie people down of the Niger will strike you as more learned than people up of the Niger...

FELICITATIONS! TWO YEARS OF BLOGGING HISTORY

Enslaved By Our Ethnocentrism

Prima facie people down of the Niger will strike you as more learned than people up of the Niger River due to earliest western education taking root first at these regions before it slowly trickled into the hinterlands. However, it pains me that apparently, the great intellect of southern forefathers haven’t well seeped into today’s generation.

I was opportune to go to NYSC camp in the south western part of Nigeria. Mixed in the crowd of 2500 Corp members were many youths drawn from all around Nigeria. A large number being of South-south origin. I made friends with most of them and they turned out to be quite an interesting survey especially a particular young man in my platoon. He was loquacious, a good orator and was considered well learned as he enjoyed spewing bogus jaw breaking words. And surprisingly, he turned out to be the most unique part of my study. He seemed to know so much of Nigeria politics and had a way of dishing out criticisms on how poorly led and represented the polity is. So I was amazed to find out that this fellow was as ill-informed as a regular Joe on the street. 

At first when I introduced myself as Jemima Jatau from Kaduna state, he exclaimed “oh Aboki”. I laughed because I thought he was only trying to be witty. Then the following day, gathered at a platoon function, I led the Christian prayer and I noticed his mouth was agape. After the prayer he requested a moment with me to inquire as to where I learnt to pray the Christian way. I was much in a hurry so I just informed him I am a Christian and it seemed his jaw dropped even more. Apparently, my dear southern new friend had no idea there are Christians in Kaduna State of northern Nigeria. In so far as you are north of the Niger, you are irrevocably Hausa and a Muslim. 

He was flabbergasted that I had no Hausa accent (the type they see portrayed in home videos). When I tried to explain to him that I have a language separate from Hausa, you could see the confusion written all over his face. I realized he wasn’t as vastly read as he liked to portray. I tried to inquire from him that how come I, a northerner who had never been to the South prior to NYSC knew there is an array of languages and tribes in the South? I knew well enough not to refer to an Ikwere man as Igbo, so also did I know that an Ibibio man doesn’t want to be mistaken for an Efik person. In the same vein I knew that an Egba man will prefer not to be referred to as Ijebu. Also, knowing better than to call a Kalabari person, Annang.

This ethnocentrism wasn’t unique only amongst Southerners,  but also, among the entourage of northerners that I traveled with there were a few stoics too. Eavesdropping on their muted conversations you could hear the unmistakable woe in their tones. Many were apprehensive about the kind of reception they will receive in the south. On camp they will cluster themselves in homogenous groups, refusing to strike friendships with southerners. Sometimes, they referred to me as “Bayerbiya” which in Hausa means “Yoruba”. That was because I went out of my way talk to people and to understand their cultures. In fact I picked up the love for my favorite meal “Amala ati Abula” then. I joined the Calabar dance group, learnt the dance and even the songs and performed for my Platoon. Many people wagered that I was Efik and when I told them I am a Northerner, you can see the shock in their faces. 

I cannot understand why it is so difficult for young people of this generation to learn a bit of history about other Nigerian tribes. A large number of us know States and Cities of USA and Europe but still mistake Jebba Local Government of Niger State with Jaba local Government of Kaduna State. It’s so sad because I am sure our parents made better efforts in their prime to mix with other tribes, as most of what I know of the peoples of Nigeria, I learnt from my house when I was still a child.

Ultimately though, I was happy that when I educated this fellow on the diversity of the peoples of the north he seemed interested in learning more. So I felt my tirade wasn’t in vain.

I also had a falling out with a close Yoruba friend of mine a while back. He was the boisterous sort, his arguments can be heard from wall to wall every time. But when it came to simple pronunciations of indigenous Nigerian names he was the definition of ignorance. In so far as the name isn’t Yoruba I can bet you he would pronounce it as if it were a strange term from outer space. One day we were having a political conversation and he pronounced a name as “Tockor” and I was lost. I wondered what he was talking about? It took me a minute in deep thought to realize he meant “Tukur”.

 Honestly, this isn’t rocket Science. All we have to do is pick a book and read, ask questions and keep an open mind willing to learn. From a very early age I had learnt that the Yoruba name “Sade” isn’t pronounced as Sade but as /sha’de/. I knew how to pronounce names like “Gbolahan” and “Ogunbowale” in a way that will rival a typical Yoruba man’s pronunciation. So why couldn’t people extend the same intellectual courtesy and learn about other cultures?  

We let ourselves to be ruled by our egocentrism, tribalism and ethnocentrism that we lose sight of what is really important. That in being “We” as a nation, and not “I” as a particular tribe or geographical setting we will achieve so much more. We are quick to put down our leaders today, but we youths will be the leaders of this great country tomorrow. If we cannot learn such simple things about our nation now, do we honestly think we can achieve it in future?

Cupid’s Uncanny Match

JACK

Jack Adams pushed off his swivel chair and walked around his spacious office. He had always loved space, not only because he needed enough room to move his long legs but also because he had a grave hatred for clutter. What was on his mind today wasn’t different from what had been plaguing him for weeks now. It was a woman! Or better still, a girl. 

Gosh, no one would believe he was this stricken over a girl. In fact, it just won’t do well for his bad boy image.  But dammit Grace Paul was just one adorable sweet lady he couldn’t stop thinking about no matter how hard he tried. It was a Monday afternoon but he couldn’t concentrate on his work. He had so  much to do but his mind kept wandering to Grace’s svelte body encased in the gorgeous swim wear he saw her wear two days before when he ran into her at his club. He had been trying to avoid her, so always hung out only at his club where it was unlikely to run into her. 

For some reason she chose to come to The Cider Exclusive club that Saturday afternoon. As it so happened, her father had just registered into the club the week before and she was using his card. Of course when she sighted him at the pool side she glided over with that sultry body of hers, to greet him. Didn’t she know what seeing her like that does to him? Or was she just trying to drive him mad? Jack almost fell flat on his ass as he tried to escape her presence before he embarrassed himself.

While Jack stared blankly out the window behind his desk, his phone beeped distracting him from his day dream. As if by some telepathic pull, it was a text from Grace, she had been in his neighborhood having lunch with a friend who works in his office complex and she had gotten some lunch for him and was on her way up to his office suite drop it for him.

Shit! He was trapped, he couldn’t see her now, not when he was just having un-holy thoughts about her. But there was no way he could bring himself to not see her. Maybe it was just as well, he could just tell her he couldn’t see her anymore. He was struggling with the fact that he is almost 20 years older than Grace and definitely more world weary. He was turning 37 in three months time and she was just 20 years old! Fresh out of college.

Before he even had time to comport himself, his 35 year old ever nosy secretary Margret softly knocked, opened the door and announced Grace’s arrival. “Jack, Miss Paul here to see you” she said, and then she opened the door wider for Grace to step through. Damn, that girl is fast and certainly ever so jovial. It was obvious Maggie already took a fondness for her which really wasn’t good. Maggie has been on the prowl to get Jack a suitable wife for as long as he could remember. 

Grace shut the door behind her and bounded in “hey darling…how is work going?”. “I am fine. You look lovely” Jack quipped. And she certainly did. She made his mouth water, dressed in a dark slim pencil skirt, cream silk blouse and high studded stiletto heels. Grace went on to say “Didn’t know if you would be in or out at a meeting, just wanted to drop you some lunch. Hope you like seafood?” she dropped the food on a side table and while Jack made to come around his desk to welcome her, she hurried to his side and plunked her entire body in his lap and smacked a kiss on his lips. His hands came up of their own volition and he wrapped her up in a tight hug and deepened the kiss. After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart with their breaths coming a bit short. 

“Grace” Jack said, “You know we can’t go on seeing each other. Honestly, the thoughts I am having for you aren’t exactly pure and I’m sure your parents and friends won’t be able to see nor understand why you are with me. In fact, I myself don’t understand why you want to be with me”. That angered Grace and she gave him a sharp rebuff. “Look Jack, I love you alright, and I know you love me too though you are being too headstrong to accept it. I aint going anywhere, and the sooner you accept that we will make each other very happy, the better for us”

Grace left soon after and he almost thought he had imagined her being there, but the aroma emanating from the plastic bag she has brought with her wafted into his nose and he knew for a certainty he wasn’t imagining. He finally got around to eating his lunch and it was amazing, from his favorite lunch place. How she managed to know that puzzled him and made him even more suspicious of Maggie.

GRACE

For some reason Grace knew Jack saw her as a soft delicate flower and she just couldn’t understand why. She may be much younger than he was but she knew in her heart that she wanted him. She knew a lot even though most of her claimed experiences came from her reading of so many books. And from the one boy she had dated in the University who had only made her miserable. He had slept with half the girls in her class, making her the constant joke of her classmates. She had sworn off guys for 3 years, but when she was introduced to Jack 3months ago at a party her friend had invited her to she liked him instantly. 

Jack himself had told her she acted way more mature than her age. So why was he having a problem with being with her? It’s not like he was married or anything! 

As fragile as she seems, she could see Jack for who he truly is and knows his heart is just as lonely as hers. Grace had a lot of maturity and a deep insight into the human character so she really gets Jack. He could go on trying to convince himself that he was no good for her, but even when he's trying to break her heart, she gets him. Though Grace also knew her father may pose a bit of a challenge to her relationship with Jack, she was sure if he did meet Jack he would like him.

Jack was so smart, classy, a successful Engineer, drop dead handsome and a perfect gentleman. Who wouldn’t want such a man for his daughter?

So she came up with a plan to make Jack come to terms with his feelings for her and to do something about it.

 Grace was very close to her father, and it had been just the two of them since her mother up and left when Grace was Barely six years old. Her dad was all she had and he had trained her well. He taught her to be forthright and follow her heart. So when she told him about Jack, she was overjoyed when he told her he was pleased because she had found someone who makes her happy. But she also told him of Jack’s apparent insecurities about the age difference, and together, they both decided to invite Jack to dinner to finagle a commitment from him.  

She had to bend Jack’s hands backwards to get him to come for dinner. But Grace was happy he did. And everything went so well, better than she had planned. At the end of the cross examination which her dad doled on Jack, he gave them both his blessings, with a big threat that if Jack ever hurt Grace, he would have his head. Grace walked Jack to his waiting car and while they kissed goodnight and Jack said to her “I love you Gracie and I want to spend my every waking morning with you in my arms. Please tell me you want the same thing” he added uncertainly, and after a heartbeat Grace said “of course silly, I love you so much. In fact, I’d wrap myself around you so tight nothing will ever make me let go”. 

Nothing could compare to the joy they both felt at that time and they knew in their hearts it could only get better from here on.

Grace knew she had made the best decision. Jack is the passionate type of man that has her envisioning steamy nights and cherished days.

For My Dedicated Readers

Those who have been dedicated to following my blog will realize I have been missing in action for a while. I could claim I was having writers block, but that just wouldn't be true. I’ve been more or less “trying to find myself”. With past relationships hunting me every step of the way, I decided to take a moment of respite to be by myself and to sort out and discard all excess baggage and carve out a plan for me to forge on. 

I can’t say I have found myself yet, but I can say I feel much more confident in what I can do. This is also plenty thanks to my dedicated readers who have been sending me messages, encouraging me to write some more. And of course, not forgetting a certain guy who has been giving me an extra push to be more. *wink*. 

Most of my recent stories are stuff I have been working on for a while that I had abandoned. So while I was “vacationing” I left them in my draft box so long I had to call on divine providence to help me finish them.

Anyway, I am back now and I hope to give in my very best to entertain you…

Best wishes.

JJ

THE HEARTACHE ASSOCIATED WITH RELATIONSHIPS

Jane woke up with a start to deafening ring of her cell phone. Pulling off her sleep blindfold, she groped in the dark before to located her phone. She had missed the call already, and looked to see the caller ID, it had HoneyBoo. That's my boyfriend IK, oh i sometimes forget he's now my fiance.  Fingering the cute engagement ring encased in her finger while she checked  the time on the homescreen, it was 4.23am. cursing under her breath, ‘why the hell will he be calling me at this time?’ she had finally dozed off at 1:30am and this phone call had her temples throbbing.

While she tried to dial him back she was seething inside. "This has better be a matter of life and death not one of his routine calls in the middle of the night to whisper dirty things to me". She sat straighter in bed with the phone clutched to her ear. "He had better not be planning to have phone sex with me at such a time or else he'll definitely have to take his blue balls with him to work in the morning".

Just then IK picked up the call. "Hello boo" he said. His tone was quiet unlike his usual effervescent easy demeanor. Jane immediately sensed something was amiss. "Hi darling, are you okay?" she queried. IK replied "i'm doing well. I'm so sorry for waking you up at this time. I just couldn't sleep and something has been bothering me so I hoped we could talk about it, hope that’s okay?"
It wasn’t okay because she felt really sleepy, but she replied "oh it’s alright. Since I am up already we might as well talk. So shoot".

He cleared his throat and began.
"I just received a text message from my grand aunt Stella. She sent me something that has got me thinking and I knew I just had to let you know". Upon hearing that name Jane’s mood got even fouler. Aunty Stella had been against IK's involvement with her since they went to her house for lunch 4 weeks prior. She treated Jane with quiet aloof that were Jane not a woman she probably wouldn't have had an idea that she didn't like her. She seemed to act as if Jane didn’t deserve IK, like he was too good for her.

Ik  was still talking trying to find his voice to say what exactly it was Aunty Stella told him so Jane managed to clear her throat of the bile that was rising. "She says she's hoping to leave the entire family wealth to me and make me the family patriarch since my dad is gone now". Jane thought that was a good thing but felt a 'but' coming". It was then he dropped the bombshell. That can only be if he broke off his engagement with Jane and married the granddaughter of a friend of hers.
Jane was so weak upon hearing that she sat immobile, barely breathing. A thousand thoughts were running through her mind. “This couldn't be happening, IK is thinking of breaking up with me? what do i tell my parents?”. Those thoughts held precedence amongst others.

"Darling say something. Why are you going mute on me?" Ik queried. It was then Jane finally found her voice.  "Honestly, what do you want me to say to such a preposterous situation?” she asked. “Do you want me to help you decide if you should break off our engagement or not? U can’t be serious!".
"Oh no baby what i'm trying to say is...." Ik tried to say something but she cut him off. "You know what? Let me make this easier for you, I quit! no more engagement, come by and take your ring tomorrow, I don’t want it!". Then she thought for a nano second just before hanging up the phone "On another thought I’m keeping the ring, after all I helped pick it out". Then she hung up.

 Seething inside and her face scrunched up in a scowl, palms clenching and unclenching to try to calm her nerves. She pulled the gorgeous ring off as if it was burning her skin and threw it into her side drawer.
Since Jane’s sleep had been disrupted she couldn't go back to sleep. She strolled into her kitchen and made a cup of tea, went into the parlor and sat on the couch, turned on her tv and her favourite cable channel 'Style' came on. A wedding preparatory programme was showing and so she began to cry uncontrollably. "Why is this happening to me? Why????" she soliloquized. She sent a text message to her close friend Amanda telling her what had happened.

She cried some more until it seemed like she was drained of tears.
She was startled awake to her door bell ringing. Somehow, she must have fallen asleep lying on the couch. She got up from the couch and went to answer. It was Amanda who had rushed over as soon as she had woken up to Jane’s text. In fact, she came in her pajamas. Jane was so glad seeing her she quickly opened the door, hugged her and began crying again.

"Hush now sweetie" Amanda cooed. She led her back to the couch and they sat side-by-side. Jane explained to her all that had happened while Mandy tried to reassure her. "Did you give him an opportunity to explain to you what exactly his aunt's proposition meant to him? Don’t you think maybe you were a bit rash in calling off the engagement?" Mandy asked.
Jane replied her "w--well, I didn’t really let him talk after he dropped the bombshell. It just felt like I was so inconsequential to him that he would even listen to the rubbish his aunt said and that he would even in turn tell me! Like seriously, doesn’t he have respect for my feelings?"

"Hmm I understand you, but you really need to talk to him, hear him out first, please don’t destroy this amazing thing you two have going on". Amanda admonished Jane.
As if on cue, the door bell rang, Mandy stood and went to the door, she peeked at the hole to see who it was and lo IK was standing at the other side. She turned to Jane and silently asked if she should let him in..... Jane was reluctant but soon acquiesced. So Amanda opened the door and let him walk in.
"Good morning Mandy" he said as he walked past, while Mandy ignored his greeting. She had always had that "you hurt my friend, you have to face my wrath" attitude that endeared her to Jane. You know she has got your back anytime.

Immediately IK walked in, he knelt beside Jane and noticed she had been crying. He began to apologize sincerely. "I love you too much baby to ever let anything come between us. What aunt Stella said is just gibberish, I could never take her opinion over you. you’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Please forgive me for ever making you doubt my love for you". Mandy stood at one corner observing the couple at the couch. It was so obvious they were really in love, so she wondered why they would even let such petty talk come between them even for the briefest of times.

"It’s okay baby, maybe I over-reacted a bit. I love you so much. Please let’s not fight again" Jane said.
They kissed and kissed while Jane was teary-eyed a bit, but it was mostly tears of joy. Mandy excused herself and left the love birds alone. IK noticed Jane wasn’t wearing her ring, so he picked up her ring finger raised his eyebrow in question. "i see you were darn angry". Jane giggled a bit and then stood, holding hands they both walked to her room. She pulled out the ring from her drawer and showed it to IK. While she was trying to put the ring back, he collected it from her, knelt on one knee and said "please don’t ever take this ring off again, not in anger anyway. Except if you must when taking a shower. I love you Jane, forever and always". He rose up and they kissed some more groping at each other.
When Jane came up for air she said... "Oh, talking about shower, it doesn’t seem like you’ve had one this morning. Come on, let’s. They ran into the bathroom shedding their clothes as they went.