FIRST CUT

FIRST CUT

He came into my life like one of those mystical beings we read about in novels when we were teenagers. Except this time i wasn't 18years old and i didn't still have those love struck scales covering my eyes. But yet, i could still feel the butterflies in my tummy everytime his name came up in converstaions and when he looks at me with those big intense sad eyes, my knees go weak. And then when his upper lip curve in that seductive mischievous smile that exposes a set of white teeth that looked like pearl, the nether region turns into jelly. My friends said i was tripping when i told them how he made me feel, and i thought, perharps i was, so i tried to fight it. I had always believed that if something was too good to be true, then maybe it certainly is too good to be true. And Ralph was just such.

Yet i wanted to uncover the mystry behind those sad eyes, so i stuck around. How could anyone with such sad eyes have such a beautiful smile? It isn't just because he was loaded that attracted me to him, (though i must admit i enjoyed knowing he had money to spend around). Especially after the the sad spate of broke ass guys who not only were too stingy but also took money from me that i had been with in the past. So, yes i liked to know that he could pay his bills + afford to take me out without constantly checking the price on the menu. But, i kept having the nagging feeling that there was something that was eating at him.

He didn't push to ask me out, which was something that concerned me. He obviously liked me, that much he said and had shown, and i knew he wasn't seeing anyone beacuse i had checked, trust me i investigated well, but he didn't come out to say what he wanted from me. I quizzed my cousin who had introduced us, so much that i was i twisted his arm to tell everything he knew, which wasn't much. And then every once in a while when we are together, someone or the other will call, his mood will become low and they seemed to be extending their sympathy.

One day i couldn't take the anxiety anymore, i came out and asked him.We were at the swimming pool lounging on the pool love seats when i asked him what it was about certain calls from the US that made him so sad and withdrawn sometimes. As soon as i asked him, his countenance changed, his eyes were cast down, he swallowed hard while his adam's apple bobbed with labored emotion. He tried to speak with obvious difficulty as huge veins popped up in his forhead. And i regretted having asked something that unsettled him so. I was probably dumb to have brought a personal question to a public pool, so i quickly took back my question and asked him scratch that, and forgot i ever asked him that. Normally, he would smile and hug me, but this time he withdrew, stood up, walked up and down while i followed him with my eyes till i felt dizzy. I could already feel a huge wall building between us and i was scared. He walked back to me picked up his bag and told me in a low voice to go get dressed we'll talk when we leave here. I obeyed like a chastised child while i kept pinching myself mentally for not keeping my mouth shut.

The drive away from the pool was long, graveyard quiet and the air in the car was as thick as a black veil. It was 38 degrees that afternoon but i felt chilly like it was 0 degrees as he drove straight to his house. When we got in we walked straight to the bar while i lurked around in the background wringing my palms and cracking my fingers in anxiety. He poured himself some whiskey, and me a glass of redwine, held out my hand and pulled me to sit on the sofa opposite his.

In that deep baritone of his,he said "there are things i should have told you a long time ago, but i didn't, because i was hoping this moment wouldn't come. I'm sorry to have treated you coldly at the pool". As i hurried to apologize for even asking such a question, he cut me off, saying something like it wasn't my fault. He spoke in a low voice so i couldn't make out the exact words.

He went ahead to tell me how he was madly inlove with an American girl back in the US when he was doing his Masters degree. They dated for only 6months but he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He asked her to marry him and she obviously loved him that much because she accepted. They had planned to come to Nigeria so he could introduce her to his family and they were both so excited. Two weeks before the day they were to come to Nigeria, they had a fight, it was the normal lovers fight and was over something so trivial but she took it too personal. He wondered what was the matter with her. But since they were running late to a friend's wedding they just got into the car and drove without talking to each other.

She broke the silence and apologized for her attitude. Said she didn't know what was wrong with her, she just seemed to always be in a mood of late. That was when it happened. A truck came out of nowhere, seemed the driver had lost control of his brakes, while Ralph who was driving tried to maneuver, it was too late as they were already so close, the truck collided with them at the side where she sat. She was badly injured though was rushed to the hospital. While the doctors battled to save her life he was informed that she was 6 weeks pregnant, and he thought, that was probably responsible for her mood earlier on. After two days in surgery, she died. Since then he hadn't been the same, he had vowed never to fall in love as a part of him died when he lost the most important person in his life and the little life that was growing inside her. He came to Nigeria days after her funeral as her parents did not want to keep the corpse for too long and has been trying to find solace, then he met me. He liked me too much that he felt he was betraying his promise to her

By the time he was done with the story, we were both crying uncontrollably. I went over to where he sat, i tried to put my hand around him to console him but he would not take it. I stayed there for as long as i could, but he wasn't coming around. He had blocked me out emotionally, and now i felt he was doing so physically too. When i couldn't take how he had closed me out, I picked my tote bag, kissed him on the forehead and walked out. Tears ran down my cheeks blurring my vision as i drove back to my house

I cried, not for what i felt for him or what we had had. But i cried for what we could have been. Maybe if we hadn't fallen for eachother we could still be together. But who am i fooling? i liked him too much i would never have been satisfied with being second fiddle even to one who wasn't alive. I tried to reach him days after and he just said he appreciated my concern and he is sorry for causing me any pain. Two weeks later he went back to the US and sent me an SMS to inform me, and wished me happiness elsewhere that he was sorry he just couldn't be the one to give me that happiness.

I was totally crushed and cried for days as i realized i had just had my heart broken for the first time.