FINE BARRA: BANE OF NIGERIA’S HUMAN DEVELOPMENT

Tales of Nigeria's youths who prefer to beg for handouts rather than take up jobs that would provide for their basic needs.








Those who go about life as though the world owes them something and it is their birthright to collect. Well sorry to burst your bubble, but that isn't true. Instead, it is you who owes the world.
I know that some people will try to convince me that it is better to beg than to steal. And while that may be true, is it not however more honorable to earn your own keep?

As the Bible aptly puts it, ...  and the bread of idleness(discontent, self-pity) she will not eat.

You weren't created to take from the earth without giving back.

ONE THING ISN’T ENOUGH ANYMORE…

Here’s to making public, private musings… 

Ever sat through an entire movie without the urge to constantly check your phone every few minutes? Ever sat through a meal without also watching something on Television? Ever talked on the phone without also doing something mundane like picking out clothes for the next day or struggle to prepare a meal? Do you indecisively surf through several radio stations while you drive? 

Do you struggle to pay attention to the one thing you are doing so you don’t mentally start trying to multitask with other things? Or like most people now, do you only use and maintain one telephone line? (Exclude the pesky failings of Nigerian telecommunications networks and their connections). Most people just want to have more than one of anything. The Hausa man aptly puts it as “Gida biyu, maganin gobara” Owning two houses is remedy in case of a fire.

It is normal to dismiss it as just the mind’s ability to multitask; we may shrug it off by saying “aint nothing wrong with that”.  But what if these are indicative of the human mind which has involuntarily transformed itself into this massive web of insatiability where one thing is just no longer enough? Hence the edacity to amass more and more, even when you do not need them or want them.

This fast pace life where everyone is in a hurry to do something, to go somewhere, to have that thing is probably why many of us today are Jacks of all Trade, Masters of None.
Don't get me wrong, i think versatility is important, in fact i find that having that ability gives you an edge above so many people. However, when you spread yourself too thin into many different interests, you will find that you begin to lose depth in any particular thing. That is where the problem lies.

Indulge me and ask yourself this question, what if this attitude is also affecting our human relationships? There was a time in our lives when we were satisfied with being in a mutually beneficial relationship with only one person – our significant other. Without us having the need to keep a spare tyre (or as some people call it – chick/dude on the side) for incase of incasity.

Some of us would remember having a boo in secondary school whom you thought the sun rose and set on. There was never the need to be jealous. Waking up every day with a clear sense of purpose; you would receive a letter from ‘em and pore through it all day long. Then by night, pen down a reply and come day break, send it back to them by human-post. For that little while you were happy weren’t you? Though in retrospect, that would be called puppy love, but what other love could be better? One need not worry about how to share your time between 2 girls or boys while on the other hand trying your damnest for them to not find out about each other. Some of us surely must remember those simpler times when everything was black and white. You either wanted to be involved with a person or you didn’t. There were no grey sides. No safety nets.

Fast forward to several years later, the same thing cannot be said. Many people can no longer have only one partner, what if H/She breaks up with me? Should i be left with no one while H/She moves on to be with someone else? Those are the questions that permeate our thoughts. But what if it is that attitude of constantly trying to feel smart by keeping two people is what makes us lose that amazing thing which we could have with just the one?

You’ve got to take a leap of faith sometimes.

See, I have learned that Love is only for the strong, not for the faint at heart. Only the weak is engulfed with fear at the thought of falling in love. Therefore, the “smart” guy or girl moves you put on that gives respite that by holding back your heart it makes you impervious to hurt, is only a delusion.

For a truly smart person is one who is willing to put him/herself out there no matter how daunting fear seems. 

OF PDAs AND RELATIONSHIPS.

A Featured piece by a Guest Writer... Please Share, Comment, Follow. Oshey!

My significant other loves to display personal affections publicly. When we’re taking a leisurely stroll, he likes to hold my hand. When we stand side by side in front of a shelf at the mall trying to decide what items to pick, he could absently put his hand in the back pocket of my jeans. On an escalator, he likes to corner me to the side, while he stands a breath away, puts his hands around my waist while we ascend.  Or at the cinema, he loves for me to cuddle into his chest while he wraps his arms around me. Subconsciously, I guess he just wants us to be connected, but I find myself cringing. Not because I do not want to be connected to him nor is it that I am a particularly shy girl, but I always find myself growing self-conscious whenever he does that. 

At first, it brought on a few fights, as I thought it was an act of possession and he wanting to stake his claim on me out rightly. While he thought I was either being prudish or afraid that I was cheating on him and didn’t want the other guy to spot us in such lock of romance. However, he is gradually beginning to understand that it just makes me uneasy, while I am learning that he just constantly needs to maintain a physical contact with me.

Though we are working through our peeves, I find myself pondering if maybe there is something wrong with me.  So I asked a few people and found this isn’t unique to me alone. A lot of other people too suffer from gross discomfort when their partner displays such outright personal affectations. One of the most common is their discomfort in displaying images of themselves with the Boo. A very funny girl said, she would only concede to putting up a picture of her boo if it was a group picture. That way, people could either only dismiss it flippantly or it would leave them questioning which one he might be.

A guy says, since he’s been in relationships with other people for years, he had never displayed affections publicly for any of his past girlfriends and if he starts to do so now with his new girl, he worries the old ones might be peeved at him. Asking questions like, were they not good enough to be showcased when they were with him? Why this one? 

For others, like a guy I know, he thinks it’s not manly showing affection. But they don’t mind their women displaying their love for them far and wide while they themselves hold back, basking in the euphoria that “they got her”. Do you not think she too would want to enjoy that feeling? To know “i got him”?

These and so much more could be our reasons for our undercover leanings to romance or as a friend of mine will call it Barb wire love. There’s this curious thing though, one day when you feel so much love in your heart for someone, will you still fight the urge to want to shout to the whole world that this is your boo? Some of us are worried about people thinking us to be seeking for attention so everyone knows you have a beau, so what?  Have you forgotten that “na only you waka come this world and no only you go waka go?”  Please do what makes you happy, I mean truly happy.

By the way, maybe portraying yourself as unattached is probably why you get all the unwarranted solicitations by random people who hit on you left, right, center. Everyone sees you as available, and still open to playing the field and when they do that, you get pissed. 


It is however important that you try to keep all PDAs clean and as nicely discreet as you can so you do not cause others to feel too embarrassed. Let them want what you two have not to be grossed out by the decadence and depravity you showcase.

A big cheer to all lovers who are happy to show their love. And to all the tough lovers, please go all out and show you are proud of your lover today *winks*

THE MORAL DILEMMA: GREY SHADES OF LOVE

…Because everything isn’t so black and white

There is an analogy that says “love is 90% pain and 10% joy. But when with the right person that 10% can make you the happiest person alive. Well that was the case with Faye; a young woman in her late 20’s who’s steadily inching towards the big 3-0 which puts her in a tight spot. She met Abdul 6 months ago at a business lunch organized by her office and he was there as a business analyst. Though from two very different cultural backgrounds, they hit it off well.

They talked about everything and nothing. They were close friends, though with a hint of chemistry all embedded in flirtatious innuendos. Abdul is tall, light skinned and in her words “He is my perfect spec, too bad we’re just friends. Though if I ever needed one, he will be a very welcomed distraction”

Abdul seemed honest. He told her about his estranged wife Fatima with whom they have an adorable - though sickly 7 year old daughter, but are now separated while they work out the legality of a divorce. Their union had been prearranged by his family and had gotten married very young without knowing what they wanted. They are both from influential families and the union was more about a political merger, so the sure and impending divorce would break his Parent’s hearts. But he was sure that’s what he had to do because he was really unhappy in the marriage.
 
At that time, Faye only saw him as a friend so she tried her best to be there for him at such a difficult time. She assisted in preparing him food every now and then as a proper Yoruba girl. When he was in a really low mood she would take a bottle of wine over and hold hands with him while he emptied his sorrows to her. It was during one of such comfort therapy sessions that Abdul leaned in and kissed her. Faye later disclosed that she knew she should have resisted, but at that time she had begun to feel really close to him and felt it wasn’t such a terrible thing, after all she was only offering him some comfort. 

However in the weeks that followed, they became inseparable. They spent their free time together, either at his favorite hangout spot or indoors watching movies. That was when Faye began to feel something more for Abdul. She found herself thinking about him at odd times and how his text messages immediately warmed her heart. She knew she had it bad, but she was unable to stop the feeling.

Just then Abdul began to say those sweet things that only men know how to. Words like “you make me so happy. I really do like you and I wish we could spend every moment of every day together”. And as a soft and loving girl, Faye began to fall harder. She spent all her weekends with him and they planned amazing trips. Here was the problem though, at certain times she felt guilty. He wasn’t officially divorced from his wife so she was a side chick. As much as she tries to convince herself otherwise, the creeping suspicion returns. What if this separation is only temporal and he goes back to Fatima? Or worst case scenario, what if the story of the separation was all a lie? But then again she asks herself “what reason would he have to lie to me?” and she would push the thought far from her mind.

One late Saturday evening, Faye lounged at her's and Abdul’s favorite restaurant. She had been contemplating how best to break a sweet news that had been bubbling inside her since yesterday. She had visited her Ob/Gyn and was informed she was 4 weeks pregnant. She guessed Abdul would be pleased because he had always said how he loved and wanted more children. Especially one who wasn’t sickle celled anemic, like his daughter. Just then his phone rang rousing her from her reverie. He had gone to the gents and since the shrill of the phone was beginning to attract the raised eyebrows of other diners she picked up the cell phone. Without paying much attention to the caller ID, she hit the answer button only at the last minute to see it had Fatima’s name. Immediately she put the phone to her ear, Fatima’s voice purred through “Hello baby, sorry to disturb you, I know you said you will be at meetings throughout the day but very quickly, What time do you want me to pick you up from the airport?”

Faye immediately hung up the call and dropped the phone in her lap like it was scalding hot. Which in honesty she had been burnt, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. Her heart sank and she could feel it breaking, it was almost palpable. “Baby”? So they weren’t estranged as he claimed? He’s been lying all this while, living a double life! Just then Abdul surfaced, walking towards her in that slow confident gait of his. She got up, picked up her bag and stormed out of the restaurant. She had no idea where she was walking to but she knew she had to get out of there. 

After days of crying and wallowing in a pity party and calling herself every harsh name available on the surface of the Earth she was faced with the ultimate moral dilemma. Of course she knew that carrying on with a married man was wrong, but what she knew better was that she couldn’t keep such a man’s child. He was a liar and a cheat and doing so would only keep her glued to him forever and she would never be free. 

Deep was her contemplation, should she choose to terminate it and run like a bat out of hell? Or, should she keep it, after all it was a part of both herself and the Abdul she had fallen in love with. But bearing in mind that its very existence may bring back the hurting and the inevitable pain of such an epic fail, could she bear to do it?

DISCLAIMER

Names and references in this piece are all fictional and if it bears any resemblance to anyone or circumstance, it is pure coincidence. I want to firmly state that my writings (and short stories such as this) are works of fiction and through them I let my imagination run wild while also attempting to share the experiences of people who cannot themselves express their thoughts and feelings.

Feel free to drop your comments.

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THE DEATH OF CHIVALRY

On a rainy Saturday evening, I sat on a high top stool, my feet dangling, and my elbows resting on the bar slab with my fingers laced through each other. My purse placed on the counter, my gaze fixed ahead, on an invisible spot and I believe I would have won the “World’s Most Bored Person’s” look. I was supposed to be on a date with this chap I had met once. I had been postponing the meeting for so long that I finally gave in to having a drink with him so I don’t come off as snooty. I really should have cancelled because of the bad weather but since I had agreed to it the day before I decided to go ahead with it. In retrospect, I wish I knew beforehand that it would be a downer double for me (-a rainy day and the worse date ever).

Though he was to pick me up, I suggested I should find my way there. That being my number 1 get-out plan (so if I find the date horrible, I could easily slip away and head for the nearest exit). Upon my arrival, Mr. new guy wasn’t there. He was 30 minutes late even though he assured me he was already in the neighborhood. On arrival, he offered his apologies sparingly which I accepted nonplussed. 

When the waiter arrived, he took the obsolete chauvinist stance with me, going ahead to make my order for me without asking me what I wanted. Domineering the conversation, having a few too many drinks and becoming touchy-feely. Soon, all he wanted to know (all be it thinly veiled) was where I worked, where my family was, how attractive my take home package was and if I took vacations abroad. And at the end he asked if I could go Dutch and pay a part of the meal. Why I sat through that dinner, I sometimes slap myself over, but at least it inspired this piece.

Men nowadays have lost almost if not all the chivalry that guided men growing up in the 50s. Some of us remember having fathers who opened doors for women to walk through, spoke pleasantly to all female acquaintances without sexual overtones. Men who provided for their families and when they weren’t able to they never commandeered the resources of their wives. Men who picked up the bills. 

Today, many young men are eager to find a financially suitable wife who will provide for them and/or complement to their lifestyle, forgetting it is ordained that they be providers for their family. Many women are major sources of income in their families, yet, they still happily carry out the function of home management.

And many young boys are quick to castigate a young woman who dates an older guy, forgetting that a psychologically mature woman is naturally only drawn to a similarly mature man. Take for instance, a woman who holds a 12 hour per day job, do you honestly expect her to be drawn to a superficial man who probably still sags his trouser and whines about how a friend of his borrowed his Timberland boots and refuses to return it? 

 Men are quick to dust out old antics by saying a man Is naturally the hunter yet they do not practically provide for their woman, they don’t encourage her in her academic or career pursuits. They find her intimidating if she dares to have an opinion on how she wants certain things done. Calling her obstinate, stubborn, and rude because she doesn’t kiss the floor you walk on. C’mon, she’s your partner not your maid.

Men are quick to judge young women they date with the standards of their mothers which isn’t all bad, after all they say, ‘a man marries his mother’. However, they fail to exemplify the chivalry that undoubtedly endeared their fathers to their mothers. After all, the ye ol’ tradition is for men to love their wives, and their wife should submit to them. That is the instruction. There is a precondition for your woman submitting to you, you must love her and wife her. And remember "it isn't love that doesn't show/express". Love her first and love her right, then her submission will come naturally without you even requesting for it.

 There’s something men are missing, you can’t eat your cake and have it. If you want your wife to contribute to your lifestyle (financially, socially) you must be able to equally happily accept that she may be opinionated. If however, servitude is what appeals to you, by all means pursue a woman who sees you as her god. But do well to remember that women are the corniest people you in the world. A woman could pretend for years (without you having the slightest clue) to be the servile woman you want, but by and by her real color must unravel. 

So wouldn’t you want a smart woman who knows what she wants, yet when she chooses to be with you she does that wholly? Do not be the laughing stock of the society when you finally marry the “perfect docile, long skirt wearing, scarf tying wife” only to find out after the wedding that she is a just a call girl on sabbatical cum a junkie (as is the case with a judgmental young man I know).

DISCLAIMER….. I saved this for last for a reason

As i usually say, i do not claim to know anything more than everyone, but what little i have experienced, i share, first to entertain and maybe who knows, to enlighten also. 

This piece does not in any way seek to view men as villains, nor to absolve women of blame. If anything, we women are just as guilty. A guy once confided in me that though he tries to be a gentleman towards all women, it is difficult to do so, as most of the women he meets are superficial. They believe because “They Are Woman” a man’s existence is only to provide for them. Put them up on a golden pedestal, polish and worship them and then still grovel at their feet. If you are one of such delusional women, well I just don’t know what to say to you, but please dust the scales from your eyes. It is a man’s world, and they have made it clear time and time again, they are never going to relinquish their post to us. So submit to your own husband!

***Just as this article bears no name or inference to anyone, I regret in advance anyone who feels it is directed at them or feels insulted by this, for it is pure coincidence. To reiterate, I am no ‘feminist’ (you know, the widely derogative term the media now uses to refer to the new generation woman who hates men), but I advocate for the respect and valuing of women in every society. 

 ‘nough said, I take my bow…

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