My friend called on a Saturday afternoon to fill me in on
what had just happened to her minutes earlier. She was at a wedding ceremony when
she unexpectedly ran into her Ex and his mother. I should mention that, she had
dated this guy for more than 2 years and was sure he was the one. In fact, she
was so convinced that this was ‘it’, that she had begun to secretly make a
wedding list in her head. Only for the guy’s mother to call her over to the
house and inform her that she wasn’t in support of the relationship because she
thought my friend was too dark for her son and would rather he be with a light
skinned girl.
That was almost a year ago, and now she found herself seated across
the table to this woman. My friend had prepped herself for weeks following the
breakup on how to act if and when she ran into him. But as those weeks turned
to months and it was no show, she forewent her plans and got on with her life,
only for her to run into this duo at the wedding. She confessed to me that she
was sure she was visibly shaking. The anger and disappointment came flooding
back and when hers and the woman’s gaze locked, she couldn’t dredge up a
suitable reaction. Should she turn away and ignore her or should she walk over
and greet her? She managed to stay put and feign calmness, but when she noticed
that the woman kept her eyes glued on her every move; she was forced into
finding a way to walk over to the Ex "would-have-been-mother-in-law" to greet
her.
To her surprise, the woman feigned pleasure at running into
her and even went on about how long it had been since she saw her at the house.
She gestured towards the end of the hall that she was sure her son was there
somewhere and attempted to beckon him over to come meet them. My friend told
her not to bother that she was in a hurry herself as she had another engagement
elsewhere and used the commotion of the bridal dance to quietly skulk away
unnoticed by the Ex.
Running into the Ex is usually a thorny road to tread. Days
and weeks following a breakup, you need time to be angry, curse, hurt and grieve
but at the end you need to make a decision to either wallow in that self-pity
or pick yourself up and start again. More often than not, we plan, rehearse, act
out and carefully arm ourselves with the best response to give when and if we
do run into the ex in a random (and maybe not so random- hence planned) place.
As soon as we get out of the pity-party hole in which we had
sunken into, we try to reinvent ourselves. Some immerse themselves into work;
some go shopping, take a trip, or hang out with lively friends who uplift their
spirits. But always, lurking at the back of their minds is how to talk and act
if and when they do run into the Ex. This usually encapsulates two intentions,
one to make the Ex know that you are totally over them and have moved on, or
the second to find a way to get the Ex jealous so they wind up getting back
together with you.
Whatever your approach, you have to think it through and
make plans before implementing, ergo, figuring out whether there is a
chance of getting back together or not. To do this, you ought to understand yourself. Are you the
logical person who analyzes the pros and cons of every situation before
determining the next course of action? Are you the vengeful sort who is always
seeking out wicked ways to make the Ex pay? Or are you the ever forgiving
long suffering one, who always yearns for things to go back to the rosy way they
were.
After figuring out who you are, you have to analyze the kind
of person the Ex is. Are they the egotistical type who believe their word is
law? With this type, they always carry on as though their dating you was doing
you some kind of favor, so with them you ought to arm yourself with back-handed
compliments. Like an Ex I ran into who was always vain about his looks. So I
said something like “I see you’re aging gracefully, see your grey hairs and is
that a pot belly I spot? Wow! How times change”.
You also have to figure out if they are the creepy ones. Do they have the tendency to surreptitiously
stalk your every movement? Are they the truly penitent ones who are genuinely
trying to make peace? The answers to these questions will equip you with the
right tools in handling them.
Another thing to consider is the nature of the relationship
you had with the person. It is easy to hate the Ex. And bad mouthing them at
every given opportunity may probably be easier, but most people aren’t honest about
what type of relationship they shared. In some relationships, the game plan
from the get-go was only to while away time, and that might have been agreed by
both parties, but when the affair ends, one party may most likely be embittered.
For such breakups, in my opinion, it would be fool hardy to make an effort into
getting that person back seeing as what you two had was merely aimed at passing
time.
There are also the genuine, committal relationships. The end
for these ones usually hurt a lot because you not only have to come to terms
with the breakup, but you also need to decide how to break the news to your
family and friends in the nicest way possible.
One thing is fairly certain though, you will -whether
purposely or unwittingly- run into the Ex, sooner or later. Therefore your
future reputation is hinged on your ability to remain calm, think of quick
witted things to say to diffuse the tension and all the while making that
person who was dumb enough to leave you know that you are doing well and better
than you were when you were with them.
Please share how you have managed to handle yourself whenever
you run into an ex…
