STAGES OF ADULTHOOD

Disclaimer:      This is probably going to be a controversial post as I suspect there may be a few people who will have their sensibilities bruised by this write-up. So, I apologize in advance and I beseech that you try to keep an open mind in all this.

I came across a study featured in an issue of TIME Magazine which opined that there are four phases or stages in a person’s life which qualify for the attainment of the state of adulthood. They are; College, Career, House and Children

The study centered on adults in general and women in particular, with obvious reasons as women are usually more inclined to wanting a family life more than men and as such are more involved in the upbringing of their offspring. This study was aimed at stating what stage a woman was at in her life and how she felt about her status. Whether she was fully satisfied with what she has attained or if she feels something is still lacking. 

After reading the article, i asked a young lady who was accomplished in her career, what stage she felt she was in her life and how good or bad she felt about it. She said she was at the third stage in the adulthood life and she was quite happy with where she was. So I asked her if she did feel bad about not having any kids of her own and she told me matter-of-factly that she didn’t, and she couldn’t be swayed into guilt because it was a personal decision to not have kids yet. She had a man who adored her and who just like her wasn’t very eager to start procreating yet. But if and when they feel the time is right, they will start trying to.

This got me wondering. I have noticed that these days there is so much clamor in the society for young people to marry, procreate and fill the earth, but here is a curious question, do all adults want to have their lives patterned in that exact way? 

Recently, I hear young women throw around the “Miss Independent” card much more than they did 5-10 years ago. But despite their clamor of wanting to enjoy the single lady lifestyle they are secretly pining to get hitched and make a number of babies so people wouldn’t worry them. This makes me wonder, why do people allow themselves to be shackled by other people’s opinions? I spoke with a few ladies and I think I got an insight as to why. These insights I’ll share with you all now.

First, of“Parents expectations”. The other day my momma and I were having one of our rare marriage conversations and she was encouraging me to consider getting married now that I am young so that I can have the whole childbearing part over soon and get back with my life. You see the problem here is that she didn’t even ask if I wanted kids. This explains the parental mindset where they expect that all their kids must procreate just as they did before them. This puts young women in a dilemma as they want to please their parents, but they also want to please themselves. I know a certain young lady who is terrified of raising a child as she feels she will make a terrible mother, but she can’t risk saying that out as she will be thought as one who has mental issues.

Then there is the “Wider family” – Aunts, Grand Aunties, Cousins etc; who feel they have an opinion on how you should live your life. God forbid that a lady gets married and one year later she hasn’t shown them the fruit of her loins, the bad mouthing that will ensue can’t be fathomed. Being called barren is just the tip of the iceberg.

Third, Friends. You would think that as an adult, peer pressure shouldn’t bother one as much right? Sorry to surprise you. Married friends who have had a kid or more feel it is their divine calling to encourage you to give the child rearing thing a go. Whether it is because they are really enjoying the lives they have built for themselves, or for purely selfish reasons I often wonder.

Forth, Literature. You read all those Mills and Boons, Harlequin romance, and such books as “How to be a real Lady” “How to make a home” “A good wife material” and things like that and you expect not to feel pressured? Seriously?!

Last, Society and religion- These days, it is common knowledge that it is difficult to get men who understand the sobriety and bounds expected of marriage. This is why when a young lady meets a man who wants to do right by her and marry her, she is overjoyed to immediately start having kids if only to keep the man occupied in an attempt to take his mind away from outside distractions i.e other women. As regards religion, “go forth and multiply”. That is the dogma so many people stick to. 

Many only look at marriage as for procreation. What about partnership, love, comfort?

It perplexes me as to how parents can abandon their children to their own devices, and/or send them out to dangerous paths to source for income to support their parents, forgetting that it is the duty of parents to take care of their children.

In all honesty, I believe there is so much more to life than conforming to other people’s opinion about what pattern your life must take. There are some people who have no business being parents, (for instance child molesters- physically and emotionally). So why do they feel the need to bring a young ‘un to the world only to raise them up terribly? Isn’t it better to not give birth because you don’t want kids, than to perfunctorily acquiesce to breeding just to please others and then don’t take care of or maltreat your kids? 

So, I throw the question back to you. What stage are you in your life? Do you feel accomplished? If yes, why?    If No, why not?