HELLO LOVER, BYE FRIEND!

For those of you who think only breakups of the romantic kind is heartbreaking, sorry to burst your bubble, but a more hurtful one is the one between friends. I could never claim to be best at friendships, relationships and the like ‘cause I have had my own fair share of heartbreaks, falling outs and maybe a mild case of ego-centrism. However, one thing I have learned over the years is that the value of good friendship is inestimable. This is a very touchy subject to me and although I had battled with myself over whether or not to share, my vivacious alter-ego has won the battle. So here’s to making public, private conversations ****

It was Sunday evening, the most hated time of the week (only second to Monday morning of course), with anger towards everything in general over the impending end of the weekend.  I had just left the swimming pool and a friend and I drove to our favorite suya spot and ordered some chicken delight to take away the impending gloom that the thought of Monday brings. While we joked, chatted about boys, shared a gossip or two, my phone rang.

I pick it up with a smile as I recognized the caller and turned the phone screen to show my other friend the caller ID. Aah, it’s our very good friend, the one who cracks me up so bad; maybe I should invite her to come join us.

“Y’hello sweetie”, I crooned. She responded, “Hello Jay, what’s up?” Hmmm, such a curt retort I thought, but dismissed it ‘cause it might well be that she’s just woken from sleep or something. “I dey oo” I replied. “How you doing?” I asked her. She responded “I dey alright”. From her responses I should have guessed that something was amiss, but I was on a roll and couldn’t let anything dampen it. But her next words roused me from my high. “Babes, you know what?” she asked, “No, what’s popping?” I replied, and then she goes, “Boyfriend and I are having a misunderstanding and he is giving me an ultimatum that I should no longer be friends with you”.

Oh man, I did not see that coming. If she had said she had cancer it wouldn’t have surprised me more than what she had said. “Errhh…” I tried to respond, but my words failed me. She plunged on, “You know I want to marry him and I can’t let anything scatter the relationship at a point like this, I hope you understand”. At that point I began laughing, I thought it was the biggest joke of the century and I told her “ok ma, whatever makes you happy”. Even as I said so, I expected she would burst out laughing too and tell me it’s a joke. But that didn’t happen and we said goodbye.

When I hung up, my friend who was with me asked why the change in my countenance and I recounted to her the most bizarre conversation I had just had.

This was totally unprecedented, we had just had lunch a week before and nothing seemed off with our friendship. If anything, I was sure we were in a very good place. We were daydreaming and planning her wedding and I had assured her of how I would gladly travel across the world to attend hers when this guy she is seeing does propose.

I am a loyal and moral friend, if I do say so myself. So what could possibly have heralded such decision from ‘Boyfriend’? It definitely could not be that he had heard something foul about me, we aren’t close like that. It most definitely could not be that he sees me as a bad influence; if anything I am a rookie where my friend is concerned.

Even though I had heard stories of men who dictate the people they want to be around their woman, I had thought it farfetched and unbelievable. That day, I received first-hand the lesson that when a woman begins to get serious with a guy, she jettisons her friends. Yes I got my first non-boy-related heartbreak. 

And now, let me assert that I am not an Avant (stoic) feminist. I do like men and I believe they are vital to every woman's well-being -physical and otherwise, as well as to the growth of society. But my biggest believe is sisterhood.

 I can't see how we expect men to respect us women and see us as equals, when we don't even seem to respect one another.
There's so much strife, comparison, and the "I am better than her", "I owe her no apology" attitude which honestly, i find petty and heartbreaking.

So yes, I admit, I am heartbroken, because I had always believed in 'sisters over lovers'. Not in the literal sense of it, but figuratively - that your friends are essential to you just as your lover/significant other is. Studies all over have shown that for a relationship to remain healthy and to thrive, a couple need friends. Both the ones they share together and individual personal friends. This helps keep balance between them.

For days after that bizarre conversation I expected her to call me back and say it was a joke. As days turned into weeks, I gave up on the joke, but I began to expect her to text to explain the situation that led up to that phone call, she owed me that at least. But alas, nothing happened. So I totally gave up. But some days, at odd times, the thought sneaks up on me, and i am still perplexed by her and her obvious disregard of our friendship.

I believe that the now ex-friend should have stood up to her man or at least pretended to acquiesce his demand. If she couldn’t do that, she should have let time and distance make the friendship fade naturally between us instead of placing that call. In fact, the only time I should have heard of that discussion should have been years later, when we are old and grey and laughing over it... But then again, "different strokes for different folks". As cliched as that sounds, i've found it to be true.