THE DUMB BLONDE SYNDROME

I watched in awe Wendy Williams’ interview with a certain LGBTQ lady who had been awarded or I guess been rated as among the most powerful women in a top Worldwide magazine (Pardon the scantiness of information. Much as I tried, Google couldn’t furnish me with those details). When Wendy asked her how she felt being conferred such an honor, her response impressed me so much. She said something in the lines of ‘‘so glad I’m being thought of as powerful, than merely beautiful’’.

In this day and age where everyone is obsessed with the perfect makeup, the best designer clothing, a big fat booty, an itty bitty tiny waist, a high number of likes on Instagram and SnapChat, it pains me that not many women bother about developing themselves intellectually. 

Many people I find guzzle down complements, they bask in the knowledge that they are considered beautiful, glamorous and stylish rather than being referred to as intelligent, smart, business savvy, or entrepreneurs.  And some who may in passing enjoy being called sharp, their be all and end all is first to be reassured that their physical attributes are noted, admired, and above all, stated.

For really hot people, they almost always get anything they want without much work. Seeing as people always fall over themselves to please them, they never realize that some people have to claw and inch their way up into the positions they take for granted.

As with every analogy there is always a deviant case. There are people who are gorgeous, smart to the T, and yet work extremely hard. In fact, I know a certain young lady who asked a friend who is a recruiter to help find her a job and his response was, ‘why do you need a job? After all you’re already pretty’.  Such unguarded statements make even go-getting pretty girls to become unambitious.

If these women who are doubly blessed- being both pretty and hardworking, ask someone for help in starting up a business, they are most likely to get a response like ‘‘but you’re pretty, why do you need this job?’’.

Have you heard of cases where classmates gossip and make snide comments about pretty girls who perform exceptionally well in school? You see, people cannot comprehend why anybody can be pretty, fashionable and yet score high in tests and examinations. So that means there must be a palm they are greasing to get ahead.

Now, this is the cross that overly gorgeous people need to bear, if you are totally pretty, it means you have to work extra to prove your mettle. People do not always consider physically stunning people as intelligent and can one fault them? Because a certain desire to put so much fuss in the way you appear makes people think you aren’t cut out for hard work. So intelligent and gorgeous people are forced to either downplay their gorgeousness or work extra hard that their intelligence over shadows the outward comeliness.

I am not one to advice anyone to downplay their beauty; it is God’s gift to you. However, do not think your physical look is your only bargaining chip, because it could be both your blessing and your curse. So don’t be afraid to have some depth or to have a personality. Some people think they are too good looking to bother having a personality. So they wasp through life hitched onto the complements and praises showered on them by others. 

Beauty is said to be only skin deep. Even though society makes it seem as though once you are pretty you have attained something valuable, I urge that you not be afraid to have a strong opinion about things and have the courage to speak up for them. Importantly, do not be afraid of being known as smart and intelligent it is far more important than being merely beautiful. Beauty does not get you a Nobel Prize for Peace, Literature, and advancement in Physics, Genetics or Engineering.

DEALING WITH BAD CREDIT FRIENDS

The other day, I received a phone call from a friend whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while. With this being an era of social media, she and I mostly only chat on media platforms. So assuming she was calling to say hey and keep in touch, I quickly answered the call, with the certainty that it was going to be brief call. In retrospect, I would have left it unanswered and waited till I was in a more comfortable place to talk at length before returning the call. 

Well they say hind sight is 20/20 don’t they?  Turned out to be a very lengthy call as my friend was calling to complain about another mutual friend with whom she had had a business dealing with. Being her trusting self, she had handed over a sum of money to this friend to help pay for certain items she wanted for her shop but couldn’t spare the time to go herself. This friend was only supposed to pick up this cash from her house and pass it on to a vendor whom he had introduced her to and who lived close to him. 

According to her, he had offered to help since it wasn’t going to of any inconvenience to him. However, after 3 months he still hadn’t given the money to the person it was meant for and every day she calls, he came up with one excuse or the other. The vendor wasn’t around; he’s been sick and out of the country for treatment; he lost a family relation and went to his village; his money is tied up somewhere… on and on this went on until he stopped taking her calls.

She reached out to some of his friends to talk to him on her behalf. But when they reported back to her, he claimed not to have ever taken her money nor been involved in any business dealing with her. This left her hurt. Not only because of the huge dent the loss of that money created in her finances, but also because she been grossly mistaking in trusting someone whom she considered a friend. 

Her story isn’t unique to her alone; many of us have been swindled by people. And I wished I had all the time to truly share with her my honest opinion, but because I was in a public place I could only give advice that was socially appropriate. Many of us have been swindled before. But I believe that the disappointments that hurt the most are from the ones we thought to be our friends. Worst still is when these people who seem so genuine come to you asking for loans to help at a particularly tight period. One thing I picked up a long time ago is never to hand out any amount of money that you cannot forfeit to that person. But we are human, and so when people ask for assistance, we cannot but help out even if it isn’t financially smart for us to do so. 

People involved in business I believe suffer most with such bad credit friends. You feel safer selling on credit to friends because you have some degree of trust for them, so when they turn around and owe you for months un-end, I can only Imagine the anger and hurt. 

I came up with some ways to spot bad credit friends that I hope will help someone out there as it has helped me.

First, they always make promises. Be wary of people who are always eager to run their mouths off. They will use the life of their mother to swear to you when they come to borrow and buy stuff on credit, promising to pay up next week or the very next day. 

Second, be suspicious of friends whose source of income you do not know for sure. It is easy to judge people by the way they appear, but just because they look good, doesn’t always mean they earn that well. For all you know, they are swagging off monies they borrowed off other people.  

Third, accept with a pint of salt people who always act as though the money they are asking from you is nothing at all compared to what they have. It is always easy to borrow 50k to someone who brags about going to the US for vacation every 4 months or someone who always carries a designer purse. But if that person was as loaded and connected as they claim to be, why do they need to borrow from someone else? So be suspicious!

Fourthly, this is perhaps the trickiest. People who have borrowed from you before and always paid back. It is so much easier to lend money to people like this because they have been tried in the past and they fulfilled their promise. People like this know just as you do, that it will be easier for you to trust them because they had never failed in the past, so they will play on your intelligence. If the first time they borrowed 20k and paid back within a week, the second time they borrow 40k and pay within one month, the third time they come, they will ask for 50k promising to pay in 2 weeks. Since you know they had always paid back, you will gladly be willing to help. But that’s where they get you. 6 months later they still haven’t paid. 

They see you every day, laugh and pretend like nothing’s up. And you are too modest to ask them, because you believe they are bigger than the amount they borrowed from you so maybe things are a bit too tight. But whenever you see them they always have something new, they eat at the choicest restaurants and buy drinks at the club, yet they still owe.

One thing I have learnt is that not everybody is as kind and trusting as you are. In fact, people are banking on this kindness of yours to cheat you. They are also banking on the friendship you two share because they are certain that for the sake of friendship you will not call the police on their ass. Let me reiterate one life fact to you, if you cannot forfeit a certain amount of money to someone, do not borrow such an amount of money to anyone who isn’t family or whom you do not have a sure way of getting your money back from. A word, they say is enough for the wise.

I will love if you can share how you manage bad debtors…

And if you're a serial debtor reading this, change my brother my sister, biko! 

IF SHE IS SIDE CHICK

Note for readers.

Hello my lovelies, it has been eons since i posted here. While i apologise for that break, i want you all to know that i had not for a second forgotten about you; i had just been preoccupied with other things. I wrote many articles but stashed them in a folder and never got around to posting, so this is one of many articles that were just lying idle. I wrote this some months back and going through it right now, i found it so hilarious that i had to share. Please read, comment and contribute your opinion on this.

Bless up,

Jemimah-Nikky Jates

1.     You cannot get jealous when you see her with another man. You haven’t earned that right. Make her main chick and then, only then can you enjoy such privilege. Yup, that’s a privilege.

2.     You cannot ask her to cook for you. Only main dudes get to eat that special jollof rice.

3.     You cannot go through her phone. What did you keep there that you are looking for? Whether accidentally or purposefully, Nope you cannot.

4.     You cannot answer her calls in her absence.

5.     You cannot show up at her house unannounced. What were you expecting? That she will stay home, in ragged sweats and undone hair pining after you?

6.     You cannot ask her to help wash your clothes. Nope nope nope. Get a laundry man or please wait for madam to come and let her wash it for you.

7.     You have to spend on her. Why else is she with you? You won’t make her official chick and you still won’t spend on her? Dem follow you from village abi na craze dey worry you? Spend spend spend. At least if she can’t unburden her heart to you, she can splurge on a new purse that will take her mind off.

8.     You dare not call or refer to her as a gold digger. If she is a gold digger what does that make you? Mr. I want to burn my candle at both ends?

ANOTHER PLACE; ANOTHER TIME - Cont'd

Watching her leave was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I wanted to drag her back and kiss her thoroughly again, but I didn’t want her to feel cornered into spending the night with me, it had to be her own decision. I walked into my room, checked my phone, saw missed calls from Anna, and immediately rang her back. I apologized for not taking her calls earlier and told her I was meeting with my company’s rep at the lounge and decided to have a few drinks. Little did I know that that would be the beginning of weeks of lying.

It seemed like eons while I waited for Tina to return. I glanced at my wristwatch every few seconds and listened intently for activities coming from outside my door. Sitting at the side of the bed, I pulled off my loafers, grabbed the TV remote from the bedside table and flicked on the TV. I turned down the volume and reached for a can of beer from the mini bar. Just then there was a gentle knock on my door, I dropped the can on the dresser and walked across the room to open the door. There she was, face washed clean of makeup, in pajama bottoms, a tank top and a robe hanging open. I smiled and let her in. I hugged her to me as soon as I shut the door and drank in the fresh scent of vanilla and I figured she must have had a shower. Immediately, I felt bad that I hadn’t bothered with a wash.

We sat down side by side on the bed, and I handed her a fizzy drink while we munched on some gummy bears and shared a chocolate bar from the minibar. Tracks from Songs of Innocence, the latest U2’s album were playing quietly from the iTunes folder on my laptop that was on the reading table. We shared some jokes and she got up to make this really cute imitation at the way our boss walks that got me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. That’s typical of Tina, she always knew how to make me laugh. Out of the blue I blurted out “so tell me about any guys in your life that I should be jealous of” immediately I said it I almost regretted it. Half of me was hoping she would say she was seeing someone, maybe it will make the guilt I felt slightly bearable. And the other half of me cringed at another guy laughing at her jokes, being amused by her goofiness and worst, touching her in ways I desperately wanted to.  

Somewhat to my relief, she took a sip from her soda can with her other hand on her hips as she answered casually. “Well there’s Tunji or rather there was” she said and left it at that. My curiosity got the best of me and I prodded “so what happened there?” so she grudgingly continued. “We were together about a year but he got a job with the University in the UK where he had completed his Master’s degree and so left some months ago. So the relationship kind of fizzled out since he hadn’t hinted at the possibility of the relationship leading anywhere”. I watched her face as something akin to sadness flashed even as she quickly shrugged it off. I wanted to do everything in my power to make that pain I had glimpsed never return. “Come here” i said to her, patting the bed beside where I was sitting. She walked over gently and sat down. I draped my arm over her shoulder and placed slow kisses on her temples and her cheeks until I felt her smile under my lips. I moved to her lips and nibbled gently and she soon began to kiss me back. We laid back on the bed side by side with our feet still on the floor as we kept kissing for what seemed like hours. I soon felt her slow down and begin to dose off and so I pulled her up on the bed, and then dragged the cover over her.

I sat up beside her, leaning on the headboard watching her chest rise and fall with each breath, amazed at how beautiful she looked asleep, with the corners of her lips curved slightly as though in a smile. And all of a sudden it struck me at how much I wanted to watch her sleep like this beside me every night. I wanted to wake up to her every morning. I wanted to have her eyes flick open and find me watching her sleep. I wanted to kiss her every day, hear her high pitch laugh that always warmed my heart. I wanted to watch her try to give me that fake small smile she usually puts up for others and then tickle her until she bursts out in that genuine smile she only gives a select few.

The thoughts in my head almost made me reach out to kiss her awake and then make love to her all night long. But instead, i got out of bed, rummaged through my box till I found some sweat pants and running shoes which I pulled on and sneaked out to the 24 hour gym at the ground floor. Glad to see a trainer in sight, I took off my T-shirt, leaving only the under singlet inside and headed towards the weights. But on closer inspection of the night shift trainer, I noticed he looked quite exhausted. So instead, I requested for some boxing gloves and went on a rampage on the punching bags until my knot in my heart uncurled and I had worked up a sweat.

I showered in the gym to avoid waking her up when I returned and found one of those soft padding bedroom shoes to wear. Back in my room, I quietly let myself in, undressed and then climbed into bed with her. While I tried to pull the cover over me, she stirred and turned her back towards me. So I moved in closer to her until her back was a slight whisper from touching my chest and I placed my hand over her hips gently still trying not to rouse her. But she sidled even more closely till we were fused together so perfectly I didn’t know where my legs ended or where hers began.  Our breathing matched as though we drew in air and released at the same tempo. I never remembered being so much at peace.

Knowing the end from the beginning didn’t help here. As hard as i tried to protect my heart from falling, I fell for her without even knowing when. And having her in my arms right now felt like home.  And I thought to myself, maybe she is my soul mate, and for the first time that I could remember, my well-ordered life had been turned upside down. And I began to think that running away never felt this welcomed. Is it possible to leave everything and everyone behind and just run? Maybe we could move to Australia and join a hitch hiking community? Those beautiful images lulled me to sleep with a smile on my face.  I would deal with life’s woes when tomorrow comes. But right now all I wanted to focus on was Tina and I on a beach somewhere far away. Yet a creeping thought plagued my mind, and I kept thinking- another place another time, we would make the perfect couple, but soul mates don’t always make life partners, do they?

ANOTHER PLACE, ANOTHER TIME

I have often heard that there is a surreal feeling that comes with being in love. It feels like nobody but yourself can understand how that feels, unless of course you are lucky enough to have someone to share that feeling with, maybe only then will you feel understood. But many a time, one finds that requited love is a tall order.

At the middle of last year, months before my 30^th birthday I could have sworn I had everything figured out. I had asked my girlfriend of 4 years to marry me and she had agreed. Even though we had broken up off and on within the last year, we both knew we cared a lot for each other and if everything went well, we would wed.

Our families had grown close because of our relationship and every now and then my mother in her typical sober yet firm tone will ask me “when will you make an honorable woman out of Anna and marry her?” and I would come up with one excuse or another like “Mommy, Anna wants to round up her Masters before she gets married” or “I’m looking to get this promotion at work that will mean I will be traveling a lot, and I don’t want to marry a young wife and leave her all alone while I traipse around the world”.

That will usually hush her up (for a while at least), while I drum up more excuses when the issue is again raised at a latter date. I knew her desire was to see me wedded, being the last born and the only one still single of her 5 children. Months earlier my twin sister and the only girl had gotten wedded and now all eyes were set on me, anticipating when I will start a home.

My culture isn’t known to hammer the issue of marriage to men, because it is expected that a man must be fully able to take care of the costs for a wedding and setting up a home before he marries. But my mother’s often romantic side always had a bearing in the way she raised us and her constant prodding that we get married as soon as we are able to find someone special. Well, in this case, I seemed to be the one dragging even though I began dating Anna, long before two of my elder ones met their now spouses.  

With my new status upgraded from single, to engaged, and a new promotion that sent me to start up a new company branch in Lokoja all was going really well as Anna and I had begun mapping out plans on when to schedule a formal introduction. That was until I met Tina at the new office I had been posted to. She was the Human Resource person who got the contract to oversee the hiring of the new staff and the setting up of the management team.

We hit it off immediately we met even though we didn’t really have much in common as per language, places we schooled etc. But somehow, ours was like a connection of kindred spirits. We went out for drinks with the rest of the management team at the close of the first week as most of us were new in town and had been transferred from the firms various offices nationwide. Tina and I became inseparable during the first few weeks. It was almost as though we had known each other forever and even though we met every day at work, I felt almost incomplete until I’d sent her a message every other night to wish her a goodnight before I go to sleep. With Tina, it felt like we had been friends our whole lives. As expected, Anna and I’s relationship began to suffer some strain which we attributed to stress from planning a wedding, but I knew otherwise. Since my car hadn’t arrived from Lagos, Tina in her usual caring fashion was so benevolent to pick me up on her way to the office every now and then.

A week ago, the zonal office at Abuja called for a meeting with all heads of the North central branches so Tina and I were scheduled to be driven down by the company driver, she being the HR and I the Branch Manager.

Upon arrival, we found we had been set up in this swanky new hotel at Adetokunbo Ademola crescent. At the reception, the concierge handed over our room keys and luggage to the bellboy who led us to our rooms. While we walked down the corridor, we agreed to freshen up and meet up downstairs at the hotel roof top lounge for drinks. 

Upon reaching our suites, to our amazement we found we were across each other. Inside my room, I laid down for a few minutes, sent out messages to Anna to let her know I had arrived safely and then to the contact person to arrange logistics and materials for the meeting slated the next day in the afternoon. After which, I took a cold shower, dressed in casual jeans, a polo t-shirt and loafers.

I arrived at the lounge a few minutes to 7, sat at a corner booth and decided to wait until Tina arrives before I make an order. My eyes were fixed on the TV which was tuned on to a music channel and I didn’t notice Tina arrive until she was at the booth. She was dressed in flay wrap dress and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. While I took in her appearance in, she sidled beside me and got comfortable on the sofa.

3 Hours later, and 2 glasses of long island iced tea down, I immediately felt a strong feeling to lean into her and plant a kiss on her lips, but somehow, I held myself back. I settled for holding her hand or placing an absent hand on her thigh and I was grateful she didn’t withdraw it. We talked about everything, school experiences, family, favorite songs, colours, and animals. To my surprise I found out that she too loved dogs as I did. So naturally, our next conversations were preoccupied with talks bordering on breed of dogs and ways we had tried to hypnotize them. 

The time was 10pm and so we decided it was wise to leave the bar and get some rest. I clasped her hands as we walked out of the bar and into the elevator, partly because I thought she wouldn’t mind the extra support and also because I just enjoyed being in close contact with her. Obviously a little tipsy, as soon as the elevator doors closed, we reached for each other in a rushed hungry kiss. We kissed for a few seconds before the elevator bell dinged to signal we had arrived at our floor. We exchanged a brief nervous laugh as the doors opened and there was a couple with their five/six year old child waiting outside.

Sidling past them we walked down the corridor to our rooms and as Tina fished out her key card from her pocket, I reached for her again. Putting my hands on her arm, I turned her to me and proceeded really slowly to bring my head down towards hers, giving her time to turn down the kiss if she wanted to. Somewhere in my mind, I was hoping she would but she didn’t. She melted into my arms and holding her head in place, we kissed for what seemed like forever. When we came up for air, I asked “do you wanna come inside?” I tilted my head towards my room.

She shook her head, indicating she didn't want to and said “I really don’t think that’s a good idea”. I think she saw the disappointment in my eyes and so she quickly added “We have a busy day tomorrow”. And I told her “our meeting is not till 1pm, so we’ve got a lot of time”. She again added “well then, don’t you think we ought to take this slow?” putting emphasis on the word ‘this’. Sensing her apprehension, I quickly prodded “hey, we don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I know you’re not really sleepy and neither am I, so I just wanted us to talk some more”. And in that moment, it struck me that I was in fact being totally honest.

Of course I was hugely attracted to her, the beginning of a boner in my pants was evident of that, but at that moment, all I wanted was to at most just lay with her in my arms all night. I guess, somehow she believed me and dragged out a response “o--kay, but i need to reply some messages in my room first and clean off my make up“. I almost made cartwheels across the expanse of the corridor at her reply but managed a slight nod of my head and relied “sure. May i?” I said gesturing at the key card she had clutched in her left hand, she smiled in acquiescence as I took the key from her, slotted it in to unlock the door and then placed it back in her hands while I held open the door for her to step in...

*To be continued*

HANDLING RUN-INS WITH THE EX

My friend called on a Saturday afternoon to fill me in on what had just happened to her minutes earlier. She was at a wedding ceremony when she unexpectedly ran into her Ex and his mother. I should mention that, she had dated this guy for more than 2 years and was sure he was the one. In fact, she was so convinced that this was ‘it’, that she had begun to secretly make a wedding list in her head. Only for the guy’s mother to call her over to the house and inform her that she wasn’t in support of the relationship because she thought my friend was too dark for her son and would rather he be with a light skinned girl.

That was almost a year ago, and now she found herself seated across the table to this woman. My friend had prepped herself for weeks following the breakup on how to act if and when she ran into him. But as those weeks turned to months and it was no show, she forewent her plans and got on with her life, only for her to run into this duo at the wedding. She confessed to me that she was sure she was visibly shaking. The anger and disappointment came flooding back and when hers and the woman’s gaze locked, she couldn’t dredge up a suitable reaction. Should she turn away and ignore her or should she walk over and greet her? She managed to stay put and feign calmness, but when she noticed that the woman kept her eyes glued on her every move; she was forced into finding a way to walk over to the Ex "would-have-been-mother-in-law" to greet her.

To her surprise, the woman feigned pleasure at running into her and even went on about how long it had been since she saw her at the house. She gestured towards the end of the hall that she was sure her son was there somewhere and attempted to beckon him over to come meet them. My friend told her not to bother that she was in a hurry herself as she had another engagement elsewhere and used the commotion of the bridal dance to quietly skulk away unnoticed by the Ex.

Running into the Ex is usually a thorny road to tread. Days and weeks following a breakup, you need time to be angry, curse, hurt and grieve but at the end you need to make a decision to either wallow in that self-pity or pick yourself up and start again. More often than not, we plan, rehearse, act out and carefully arm ourselves with the best response to give when and if we do run into the ex in a random (and maybe not so random- hence planned) place.

As soon as we get out of the pity-party hole in which we had sunken into, we try to reinvent ourselves. Some immerse themselves into work; some go shopping, take a trip, or hang out with lively friends who uplift their spirits. But always, lurking at the back of their minds is how to talk and act if and when they do run into the Ex. This usually encapsulates two intentions, one to make the Ex know that you are totally over them and have moved on, or the second to find a way to get the Ex jealous so they wind up getting back together with you.

Whatever your approach, you have to think it through and make plans before implementing, ergo, figuring out whether there is a chance of getting back together or not. To do this, you ought to understand yourself. Are you the logical person who analyzes the pros and cons of every situation before determining the next course of action? Are you the vengeful sort who is always seeking out wicked ways to make the Ex pay? Or are you the ever forgiving long suffering one, who always yearns for things to go back to the rosy way they were.

After figuring out who you are, you have to analyze the kind of person the Ex is. Are they the egotistical type who believe their word is law? With this type, they always carry on as though their dating you was doing you some kind of favor, so with them you ought to arm yourself with back-handed compliments. Like an Ex I ran into who was always vain about his looks. So I said something like “I see you’re aging gracefully, see your grey hairs and is that a pot belly I spot? Wow! How times change”.

You also have to figure out if they are the creepy ones. Do they have the tendency to surreptitiously stalk your every movement? Are they the truly penitent ones who are genuinely trying to make peace? The answers to these questions will equip you with the right tools in handling them.

Another thing to consider is the nature of the relationship you had with the person. It is easy to hate the Ex. And bad mouthing them at every given opportunity may probably be easier, but most people aren’t honest about what type of relationship they shared. In some relationships, the game plan from the get-go was only to while away time, and that might have been agreed by both parties, but when the affair ends, one party may most likely be embittered. For such breakups, in my opinion, it would be fool hardy to make an effort into getting that person back seeing as what you two had was merely aimed at passing time. 

There are also the genuine, committal relationships. The end for these ones usually hurt a lot because you not only have to come to terms with the breakup, but you also need to decide how to break the news to your family and friends in the nicest way possible.

One thing is fairly certain though, you will -whether purposely or unwittingly- run into the Ex, sooner or later. Therefore your future reputation is hinged on your ability to remain calm, think of quick witted things to say to diffuse the tension and all the while making that person who was dumb enough to leave you know that you are doing well and better than you were when you were with them.

Please share how you have managed to handle yourself whenever you run into an ex…

OPENING UP ABOUT SADNESS, LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION

For most African societies, the only illness worth giving attention to are the biological ones, Malaria, Heart attack, Stroke, Typhoid, Fractures, Cancer, Auto immune disorders etc. Psychological/emotional illnesses are lumped up into “craze”, “madness”, “witch craft” etc. We are close minded about phobias, compulsions, grief, sadness, depression, anxiety, sociopathic tendencies and other such evolving ailment that are stealing many people’s happiness.

At religious meetings when people are asked to state their prayer requests, it is unlikely that you would hear anyone speak up about struggling with a heart break or feeling depressed because despite his attempts to get into a tertiary institution, it’s all proven abortive. In fact, most often than not, even in our own most private thoughts we do not admit to ourselves that we are going through spates of intense sadness or rage. We are hard on ourselves and so try to escape from it.

Some find respite in approaching it the generic way, hoping that all be well with them, that they excel, that they get a new job etc, because God forbid that they admit to themselves that such lack or loss is hurting badly and then try or seek help in letting go of the bitterness. This important prayer most of us skip.

We think, “oh no, there’s no way I will admit to being hurt, that is giving the devil a reason to cheer at my defeat”. Aren’t we being a bit too hard on ourselves? If it is okay to admit to your doctor that you feel a pain in your body, why is it hard to admit that your heart or soul is troubled? 

The notion that we expect everyone to be strong always is what’s driving people crazy. Many people do not have the tools or the mental strength to handle stressful situations, but because it is expected of them to be tough, they hide behind a veil of perfect health when inside they are dying. For some it is the trappings of friends and society.

For those who seek respite in telling the world, while this tendency to over-share is definitely not the best route to go, if it gives you some peace then maybe you should attempt it but with the utmost caution. However, it will be advisable to find a confidant, speak to a spiritually mature person, see a therapist or find a group of like minds. This may go a long way.

Truth is, today happiness is a very tall order and so we are constantly in a struggle. Either to meet up with personally set goal posts or to build a façade that tells people how well put together we are, missing the point that we ought first to be kind to ourselves. We owe ourselves that much.

Be well…

SOMETIMES WE ARE OUR OWN UNDOING

“I don’t understand how you can be so calm about this. If it were me there’s no way I would let things be, I’ll be sure to let him have it! Well, maybe you’re the bigger person, but somehow I know in my heart I could never be such”. Those were my friend’s words (all be it a little paraphrased) to me the other day. But let me go back to what brought about this discussion.

A close friend of mine and I hadn’t seen each other in a while. Work, our busy schedules and the fact that she was traveling a lot had made us drift apart for a few weeks. But when we met up the other day, we tried to catch up with each other and find out how we’ve been, where we’ve been, with whom we’ve been and so on.

Last time we spoke, we shared raving reviews about a nice guy we had met sometime back. He seemed genuinely pleasant and straight forward but somehow we found out in the most unpleasant way that he was a sketchy character. Deeply hurt, I confronted him about it, he owned up and apologized (the genuineness of which is left to be confirmed) but I accepted it nonetheless and I told him it was alright, I was ready to let bygones be that. My response was what got my dear friend firing up at me. In her opinion, hurting someone is premeditated and there is neither an excuse nor reason to forgive such a person without first trying to get back at them.  But I am of the opposite opinion.

Spirituality aside, forgiving and letting go of pain and hurt is beneficial to everyone. Holding on to anger and resentment is the easiest thing to do especially when we feel betrayed by people we trust. However, wallowing in that anger deprives us of much needed peace and happiness.

For days, my friend’s words echoed within me “Well, maybe you are the bigger person”. And with it came the realization that I wasn’t exactly a bigger person than she was, I had just learnt from experience. And with such experiences, you get better at reacting to bullshit. As with most Scorpios, long suffering and vengeance came easily for me. I could hold onto past grievances for years, secretly pining away till an opportunity presents itself where I can strike back. But what that did for me first was, it seized my peace and through constant pondering on a revenge tactic, it made me mentally hold on to people and things I was better off expunging from my life. 

They rented a space in my heart and for payment; I lost sleep, peace and happiness instead! One day, I decided to start a process of evaluating everything and everyone i held in contempt and gauged how much those things had gained me and what it had robbed me of and I found that the loss far surpassed the need for resentment. With such realization came the purging of my heart and emptying it of all non-paying/profitable space renters in my mind.

I understand that for some the feeling of being cheated has to be retaliated by revenge or at the very least a worded backlash and it is only then that they can find satisfaction. That’s okay too, but that only makes you the same hurtful person as the one who wronged you. If you can live with yourself after such knowledge, then by God, be you.

But my 2 cents and the logic to my somewhat happy life is this, I logically analyze the reason for such betrayal, if it was as a result of my shortcoming, I am kind to myself so i forgive and move on. If it was premeditatedly aimed at hurting me, I figure “hey what they heck, I’ve been wronged, true. Do I need to show that person just how much I am hurting by their wrong? Heck no! I can’t let any hurtful soul have a laugh and jest about their accomplishment”. So I suck it up, puff my chest and walk tall, usually in my 6 inch heel stilettos.