21ST CENTURY GIRLS VS GRANDMA MENTALITY

TRIBUTE TO- The International Day of the Girl Child... October 11, 2013.

I have always had quite an eclectic taste in music. Imagine me being an avid Country music fan but I still appreciate contemporary pop. There’s this song by Willow Smith released in 2011 that I really like. The lyrics go:

“21^st century girl/I do what I want/I set the boundaries/the rules don’t own me/I’m living life on the edge/I choose my path/

The lyrics of this song probably works in the Oyinbo world, but let’s face it, not in Naija. Not ever or at least, not anytime soon though.

Most parents are happy that they have been able to send their female children to school, that they have a career and that they are doing well. However, the biggest feather that they want on their hat is that they have married their daughters off and they are settled nicely. When their daughter gets a career award they will be dressed in the biggest gele to celebrate her, but what they are really envisioning is her wedding day and how the lace they will wear will supersede the one they have on now. 

Couple of months back, I met a young lady Lina through Priscilla a mutual friend of ours. Lina had just gotten a new car so we were out just us girls celebrating. One of her closer friends then asked quite loudly how exactly this sisi got the car. In her words, “ermm Lina, so it’s your father who bought you this car abi?” Please bear in mind, I had just learned from my friend while we were enroute the party that Lina had finished her NYSC 3 years ago and had a good job at a Federal Government Agency and had as a matter of fact bought the car for herself. 

To my surprise, Lina replied her and us as well that her boyfriend had bought the car for her and immediately there was a loud applause around the table. A few of the girls wanted to find out if the bobo had other rich friends she could hook them up with. I was amazed that her friends couldn’t figure out that since she’s got a job, she could very easily afford to purchase an automobile for herself. 

I leaned over to Priscilla who had invited me for the party and asked her why she thought Lina would lie to the other friends about how she got the car. Of course Priscilla had had quite a bit of Martini which had loosened her tongue so she told me that as a matter of fact, Lina’s story was orchestrated by her mother who had advised her to repeat that tale to anyone who asks. In her opinion, she thought it was demeaning if anyone finds out that Lina being a single girl is able to buy a car for herself instead of having a man do that for her. Now isn’t that just weird? 

I also have this very close friend who has been working for long, earns good cash but still bursts her ass everyday riding the bus to work and back. She can well afford to buy a 4-wheel drive car if she wanted, but for the fear of the chastisement her father will mete out on her she feels restrained. In her father’s words, “no man will want to marry you if you show to the world that you are comfortable being single and can even afford to buy yourself a car”. When she told me this I was out of my mind with anger. So I asked her to quiz him that what if he bought her the car instead? And his answer didn’t deviate much from the first one he had given her. He told her if he buys her a car, men will still run from marrying her because they will see her as a spoilt daddy’s girl. So this man would rather his daughter rides the bus and takes cabs even when she closes late at night from work. Not minding that this could put her in uncalled for risks just because he would rather have her married off than have her enjoy life?

The other day, I drove over to a childhood friend’s house to deliver some clothes she had bought from me and I met her mother at home. After the usual catching up of “how are you? How are your parents? Are you done with school now?” greetings, my friend Julia was walking me to the car. It was obvious her mother was watching us from the balcony upstairs and she called out to me “Ah ah, Baby, I didn’t know you could drive oo. So your father now gives you his car to drive around”. I laughed it over and left. 

By the time I got home, Julia had sent me several text messages to tell me that she had just had a chat with her mother and had informed her that it was actually my own car and I had bought it myself. Her mother was flabbergasted and had asked Julia to please promise her not to try that rubbish oo, she should wait when she is married her own husband will buy a car for her.

Her mom in all the kindness in her heart (sarcasm intended) had asked Julia to please advise me to hide my income and act broke or else no man will want to marry me.

I find such mentality terribly irksome. Why is it that little or no praise at all is given to a hard working sister who has been able to afford to get nice things for herself? But if it is her husband or fiancé who has supplied her with them, then the drums will roll out to a hearty rendition. This is terribly unfair. It is true that wealth and accomplishment can get into one’s head, but it can easily do so to a woman as it will to a man alike. So why pull out the moral sanctimonious diatribe when it is a woman who’s concerned?

We really need to have a mental shake down.

To what end? Some people will ask. Well, so we can break those stone aged mentalities that shackles us and impairs our mental, social and economic development – both as individuals and as a nation.