THE BOY IS MINE… This matter with love triangles

Over a decade ago, I was a raving fan of Brandy Norwood. And after watching the 1999 movie “Double Platinum” where she acted alongside Diana Ross, my obsession grew beyond bounds. I memorized all the tracks featured in the movie and I could sing it back-to-back off the top of my head. I would even braid my hair in double tresses like Brandy did hers in the movie and I would sing along through all the tracks with so much gusto. 

Anyway, of late though, it is this track she did with Monica “The Boy Is Mine”, released in ’98 that’s been constantly playing in my head. The song inspired my writing of this article with its lyrics:

Monica…

Must you do the things you do/You keep on acting like a fool/You need to know it’s me not you/And if you didn’t know/It’s cause it’s true/

Brandy…

I think that you should realize/And try to understand why/He is a part of my life/I know it’s killing you inside/

This brings so much to mind when I consider today’s dating scene. I read in many articles where “relationship” writers tell us to not mind having to share a lover. With their mantra as “It is better to try it and find that it doesn’t work, than to never have risked it”. They opine that it is okay to date a guy/girl who has another girl/boyfriend so far as they aren’t married to them yet. Because he/she just might like you more than they do the other one and then leave him/her for you. And many of us believe it as a smart advice. And we go ahead and do as they say.

However, what they fail to tell us is how hurtful it could be when he/she refuses to break up with the other one for you. Then you are either stuck in the triangle, hating the other person who has his/her attention or you find the strength to walk-away from it.

I was having a curious conversation with a friend of mine who visited me a month ago. She was lamenting about how she cannot ever remember having had any particular boyfriend who was hers alone. Or at least, one who made her feel she was the only one he was romantically involved with. In her words “I mean it Jay, I have always had to share every guy I dated with other girlfriend(s) of his. And honestly, it is becoming very annoying”. 

This scenario isn’t unique to her alone. Many of us have had to “share” with another girl, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. Even the boy’s family members and close friends will know you aren’t his main chick yet will be calling you “Our Wife” every time you go visiting.

Speaking from a girl’s perspective, I am sure many girls will agree that sometimes we are forced to play detective to find out if he is seeing another girl. We prowl the guy’s Facebook page, check his Blackberry display pictures to see if he will upload another girl’s picture. These days with so many online chat avenues, we stalk him across WhatsApp, 2go, Badoo, Twitter. In fact, even on LinkedIn!

These days many girls have resigned to fate. All they are asking of a guy now is for him to be forthright with them from the beginning. If he is seriously involved with another woman all they are asking is that he lets them know. And if he is honest and they like him, they can date him also not minding that there is a real madam somewhere else. 

In my opinion, that’s why today, we have more people being single because they have been hurt rather than from never putting themselves out there at all.  This then brings me to the question; Girls, would you prefer being second fiddle to someone because you really like that person or would you rather sit on your hands until you find that someone who you believe is committed to you alone?

Guys, would you be fine with sharing your woman with another guy? 

The answer is all up to you as an individual…and as I always say, “Be Happy, you owe it to yourself”.

Something to ponder on…

ALL WOMEN ARE GOLD DIGGERS…

        Written By Ope Mimi Ogunz

A conversation with a friend of mine inspired this write up, so y’all please enjoy the read and maybe learn a thing or two....

I belong to the school of thought which believes that ‘All Women Are Gold Diggers, We Just Have Different Tools’. However, these days I believe girls just go too far and they find it difficult drawing that fine line between what’s attainable and what’s clearly outrageous.

         It was a fine Sunday afternoon, my girlfriends and I were hanging out at the pool as usual, sipping on our cocktails and sharing gossips. I  noticed Daniela wasn’t contributing to the conversation which is so unlike her, so I turned to face her and noticed she had this forlorn look on her face. I asked what was wrong with her and she said “Opsy,  I think am cursed, guys don’t give me money when ever I ask for it”. We were all taken aback because among us friends she was the OBO (omo baba olowo), and she works with a nice multinational organization. Therefore, she was the last person we were expecting to say such. With that, she caught the remaining twos attention.                      

                She started venting on the cruelty of guys. We all knew she has been harboring this fantasy to spend her vacation at Barbados and then visit Milan before coming back. Problem is, she wanted someone to foot her bills (and please note, she no get bf oh) although she has a lot of nice young guys around her. Apparently, she ‘taxed’ them each for nothing less than 700k, and none had come through with providing her with the money. The one who came close gave her 300k. This and all the previous times she had outrageously ‘taxed’ guys for money and got nothing brought her to the being ‘cursed’ conclusion.

Janet busted out laughing. Temi had a perplexed look on her face and I was definitely pissed! I couldn’t stop myself from asking “Are these guys your father or husband? Abi o ti ya werey ni? Why should you ask 3 guys who you aint officially dating (toasters) for such an amount of money and you have the guts to be sad they didn’t give you the money?” Thanks to the Long Island Ice tea in my system, my fury knew no bonds.

           Later that evening, Janet called me claiming she thought I was too harsh with my outburst at Daniela. This got me thinking, why do we girls do what we do? Daniela earns about as much as these young guys she’s ‘taxing’ for money.

Most 21^st century women think we are so smart and can get what ever we want from guys. It is true that we can, but do we stop to consider that guys also have feelings and emotions? Do we take time to understand that they aren’t as stupid as we like to paint them? We always claim “no b him dey toast me?” But should that be the basis to cheat and exploit him? 

        I am no saint. Not at all, but I just feel if we have to ‘tax’ guys we should do it reasonably and constructively in a way that wouldn’t make them think they are being turned maga. However, if it is an aristo, biko no problem! ‘tax’ all you want. But not decent young men who genuinely like you.

         With this I refer back to my earlier statement, in as much as I believe that all women are gold diggers and what differentiates us are our various digging tools, I still believe tools chosen to be used should be narrowed down to the people involved.

Cheers…

THINGS WOMEN WANT FROM THEIR MAN

I saw this graffiti (as shown above) some days back. It should have been funny but it rubbed me the wrong way because it showcased women as being indecisive, touchy and irritating.  This was coming on the heels of a discussion I was partaking in on one Nigerian online chat rooms. It was a bitter backlash on the character of a said Nigerian Actress who published an article about what men want from their women…. She must be sexy, be able to cook well, respectful, massage their egos, yada yada yada… and so the list goes. 

Many were of the opinion that she had no right to be an authority on deciding what women should do because as a matter of fact she was on her third marriage. Some others thought, well, she has had her own fair share of men so she should in fact have some authority on teaching other married women how to hold onto their husbands.

However, a larger number of female contributors were just bitter that so many articles, stories, and features were concentrating only on what men expect from their woman. How a woman must take care of her man, but very little or nothing at all is ever written about how men should take care of their wives. Because the truth is, just as you saw her and desired her for a wife or partner, so also could there be another man who is dying for her to be his. So it’s a two – way street.

This feature today is an off-shoot of this latter opinion.

What do women expect from their man?

In time past, women were considered accessories to their men, a lovely figure to grace the husband’s arm and a trophy to show to the world how accomplished the man is. But today things have changed, opinions have changed and believe it or not, society is changing so fast and some people will get left behind when it totally over hauls.

Women today aren’t mere trophies; they work just as hard as the men. In fact many work harder and earn even more than their spouses, so the matter of playing docile wife is becoming more difficult. More women are becoming bread winners of families and they expect more from their men than the chauvinistic attitudes men carried from the Stone Age.

Men dangle the “I will marry you- line” to women and they expect a woman to drop all she has ever wanted to become and be sucked up into his life without a consideration for her own needs.

So here are a couple of things women want from their men, and happy are the men who do these things, for surely you will be rewarded with a virtuous non nagging woman.

-          It is a general belief that women like the idea of making a family much more than men. However, women hate it when men dangle the proposal in their faces like a bait. As if it isn’t a mutually beneficial thing and that by wanting to marry the woman, the man is doing her a favour. This in the 21^st century, Women are more independent than they were 50yrs ago.

-          He should be neat. We know that men are usually slobs, but you must put in an effort to have some personal hygiene. Women are better house keepers and may not always mind cleaning up after you sometimes, but when it becomes a constant habit, it is irritating.

-          Women like romantic guys. I know some guys see romance as a thing done only in movies. What the heck, sure you’ve noticed your woman loves to watch movies haven’t you? So even if you don’t believe in it, try it out just to make her happy. Surprise her with a gift when she wakes up in the morning. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion before you go gift shopping. Run her a bath, wash her hair, give her a foot rub and a massage once in a while. 

-          Courtesy! Many men lack this. You struggle to push through a door and don’t even wait to check if she got in safe. Hell some guys even let the door bang in the woman’s face. It wouldn’t kill you if you open doors for her, pull out a chair for her to sit on before taking your own seat.

-          Appreciate her. She breaks her back at work and then returns home to keep the house in order again, but all you do is demand more and more from her. eg, "give me this and that", "I don’t like this food" etc. she is only human, not a machine and verbal abuse is terrible because it affects the mind and it may take a toll on her physically too.

-          Provide for your woman! Women want a man who is a man in all rights of the word. Provider, protector and leader. Some men can’t comfortably pay school fees, house rent and you still expect your wife to worship the ground you walk on? And even when she pitches in her own contribution to the running of the home you do not appreciate her sacrifice. 

-          Never beat your woman. You beat your wife once and you get away with it, so you do it  again and again and you feel you are a god. Well one day when you push her too far to the wall and she decides that enough is enough and pushes back? Don’t say no one warned you, That’s all I can say. 

-          A faithful man. Understandably, maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work, but do not add unfaithfulness to the list of your shortcomings. African men carry this crude mantra “We are polygamous by nature; there is nothing we can do about it”. Do you know that with every act of unfaithfulness, you further diminish the respect and love that your woman has for you? Think about that!

-          Make her opinions and business/work matter. Do not monopolize your conversations with only things that matter to you. For example, how your boss is being demanding, how your colleagues are leaving you to do all the work etc. she too has her own interests and job, ask her about them, encourage her to pursue her dreams and help her attain them.

-          Be sure that you satisfy her sexual needs. For some reason people in this day and age still believe that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. It is to be seen as a necessary evil, a means to an end (for procreation alone). That isn’t true. A man must learn to understand his woman’s needs and make sure he meets them.

That said, I wish you all a healthy relationship. And remember, don’t judge me and I wouldn’t judge you. Feel free to contribute. And please... Share!
Adios…

Part 2 : Twenty Things Men look for in an ideal girlfriend/potential spouse

From Blogger

Last week, i published the first part of this article. It is an answer to a commonly asked or pondered upon question by women. For those who took out time to read through and also shared, thank you. Here is the second part and conclusion of the article.

Enjoy your read, and please if you feel that any part of it offends your sensibilities, i do apologize.

20 Things Men look for in an ideal girlfriend/potential spouse?

By Austin - Freelance writer and fashion stylist

A lot of women think that quality and emotionally stable men do not exist. Believe it or not, they do and they aren’t looking for the all-too-perfect woman, supermodel, or girl the girl next door with gigantic boobs and ass, but for an ideal match; a woman who is down to earth, not selfish, sweet and sensitive to his needs and understands how he thinks and acts in line with that thinking towards women. Men want a woman who… 

11.       Does Not Need Him But Desires Him

Men do not want a woman who needs them out of desperation. It’s a turn off for most guys and it leaves men questioning what the woman’s real intentions are. Every man loves a little chase in their attempt to get a woman. Most men do not take seriously a woman that’s desperate or comes off as easy to get. When a woman does not need a man but desires him, he knows that she wants him for who he is, and not what she can get from him and this ignites a man’s desire to chase her till the ends of the earth just to have her. 

12.  Does Not Have Daddy Issues.

 Research has shown that most women who do not have a good relationship with their fathers do not have stable relationships. This kind of women usually date older men, and deep down, they are looking for a fatherly figure, not a boyfriend or husband and they tend to disrespect younger men. Initially, a man might like how she looks up to him for approval,  and the answers to all her questions, but with time he realizes he wants to be with a real woman, not someone who is stuck in her teenage aspirations, trying to get Daddy to notice her.

13. Is Supportive

All though most guys want to handle it all and assume their superman state, even the strongest men want a soft place to fall, a shoulder they can lean on, a help mate, a confidant, someone to talk to when they need to be heard. Most guys want a woman that will support them in all of their life choices, a woman who would stick on in good and tough times. Sometimes as small it may appear, a simply saying “No matter what, just know I’ll stand by you” goes a long way to reassure him that he is with the kind of woman he should spend the rest of his life with.

  

14.  Not materialistic

No man wants a woman who is only after the material gains a woman can get from him. He wants to be your sole provider, protect you with everything he’s got, but that doesn’t give the woman an opportunity to treat him like an Automated Teller Machine. A woman should rather help a man manage his finances profitably other than selfishly manipulating him for material gains. If you are the type of woman that is always asking for things you need and don’t need, and can even provide for yourself, you’ll leave him with no option but to treat you like a whore on the street.

     15.  Prays for him

Nothing is more convincing that a woman truly cares about what goes on in a man’s life like when she prays for him. Women who pick up the phone to call their man just to say “Honey, I just felt a need to pray for you…” and pray for their man are considered irreplaceable and rare to most guys. Men feel that reassurance in a relationship when a woman prays for them and this builds their confidence in such women.  

     16.  Who can Cook.

An African adage says “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Every man loves good food. Every man loves a woman who can cook. A man cannot be stuck in his bachelor thrills of eating out all his life, eating a meal specially prepared by the woman in his life is something everyman craves.

    17.  Is Independent

No man wants a woman who they have to reassuringly call, text or visit every five minutes. Most guys love their space sometimes and would appreciate a woman who respects that. Men love who allow them time to hangout with the boys for that football match, or go visiting an old time pal. If a woman doesn’t give her man space and she’s all over his face and business, he will find a way to get it, even if it means breaking up with her.

    18.  Likes and wants sex.

Men like and want sex, unless they are celibates. They like to have passionate sex with a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, enjoys sex with him, not afraid to let him know, and communicates to him how she wants it. Men do not like women who just lay back and let them do all the foreplay or just lay back like a log while they do all the grind. A man looks for a woman who will positively respond to his desire for her instead of rejecting him, and this is one thing we look out for when considering a woman for marriage, because no man would like to sign up for a till-death-do-us-part years of boring sex life.

    19.  Spontaneity.

This is as important as the relationship itself. It’s the juice of every relationship. It’s what keeps the spark going. Men do not like women who get stuck on a particular routine for so long. They hope and wish to see everything they like about women in one woman. This could be the way she dresses; a good and versatile sense of fashion and style, her ability to come up with romantic and engaging ideas, her ability to bring something new on the food menu. Men love women who can keep the fire burning in the relationship.

     20.  Sensuality

As mentioned earlier, it’s not all about the looks, all though it is a point of attraction for some men, it’s more about the air of sexiness and confidence which the woman broods, that will attract a man to his ideal woman. Most men do not like women who come off to them as men; tomboys. Men like women who totally embrace their femininity and are comfortable in their sensuality. Most men see women who wear stilettos, lingerie, skin tight girly jeans trousers, LBDs, more sexually attractive than women who wear big T-shirts, baggy trousers, men’s clothing, boots etc.

                                                     

Hopefully soon i will publish an article for what women also want from their man. *Keep your fingers crossed*.

If you have any event to publicize and/or written article you would love to have featured in this blog, please contact me via  jtjemimah98@yahoo.com and let’s discuss.

Thank you all for the support.